Nugget & Fishball

i just HAD to put this here too. :]

2008-05-14T22:48:00.000-07:00

ehh.

2008-05-08T06:46:00.000-07:00

people i have progressed on to bigger and better things, thank you.

which means, wordpress here i come. it's tiring to blog at two blogs so here it is. fishballnugget.

pay me a visit if you feel like it.

so let's get down to business.

2008-05-07T18:05:00.000-07:00

baby's not in class. SLEEPING. tskkkkkk. :(

b's at home. ping yiqian and alvin skipped school to go sleep. evan and felly are probably nowhere near school. LONELY SIOL.

wtf lah. i'll stay and be good. SIGH.

you took the words right outta my mouth.

2008-05-05T23:41:00.000-07:00

jersey just got colder and,
i'll have you know i'm scared to death
that everything you had said to me was just a lie until you left
now i'm hoping just a little bit stronger
hold me up just a little bit longer
i'll be fine, i swear
i'm just gone beyond repair

let's write a song that we can sing to
and you can lead the choir
and put the hook where it hurts the most

i'll love you when you're fat too.

please don't leave me again. i don't know how much more of this i can take.

if this was what you wanted from the start.

2008-05-05T18:06:00.000-07:00

you've broken my heart more than a thousand times over. and i'm not even exaggerating. you're the better player, the better half of the relationship, the best ever man to walk the face of this earth. so much so that every girl wants you, and i don't deserve you. it doesn't matter if i beg or plead or cry or how much i do. i'm beyond words, and i've stopped fighting as much as i used to because nothing i say goes in at all. open up and spill your guts all over my table? stop victimizing yourself please. i'm not that lousy a girlfriend. i'm not the best but i've tried. if you're reading this read this line. i never said you didn't. you make unreasonable demands and i give in you so fucking much even when i know i don't need to. you're such a jerk my friends make fun of me. they call me your dog, you know that. whenever you call me over i run to you and leave them, and they ask me "why doesn't he just whistle.", and i stand up for you because you've told me you treasured me. and from the bottom of my heart i believed you. so much for that, really. if it wasn't all just a game to you, you wouldn't risk hurting me. you wouldn't blame every little thing on me. you wouldn't be so unreasonable. you wouldn't use breakups to threaten me. ironic that you tell all your friends that you know you don't deserve this, you know i love you, you love me, what's going through your mind b, you can't treat me better because i'm such a deceiving little bitch, and you don't trust me, you don't see how i can change for you, or that i can stick to my promises. is that it? but none of it matters now. because i made a friend with a guy and you didn't know about it. because i asked an old friend to drive me home (guy) when i was stranded in jurong and you didn't want to see me even though i fucking begged. because i went to an old ex's to settle things and talk things over with his girlfriend present. void. nothing at all. it never happened. no one's opinions matter, if they don't feel good to hear isn't it. i don't know why you'd do this to me, other than gratification of self. are you trying to break me after making me go all brittle? congratulations, you've fucking succeeded. you've won. you should feel good now no? after all, quote unquote, it IS all about winning.
thank you bastard.

now, i need.

2008-05-04T17:46:00.000-07:00

HERE'S WHY THIS PICTURE IS WRONG.

if there's a debate about being gay, that's in itself, already ridiculous.

baby is steadfast in his belief that being gay is wrong. being a homosexual is downright terrible. and why is that?

i quote: "I find it amusing how some of them can continue to hold on to their beliefs, bisexuals, when they tell you you’re their dream guy/girl. Its like, if we were so ‘meant to be’, why would you still be bisexual?"

being gay is one matter, and being monogamous is another issue altogether. why is it hard for someone to accept the other person for who she is, instead of forcing his beliefs on her, trying to change her perceptions?

he says it's a fad, just another trend, to be gay. i beg to differ. being gay is, i reinstate, a personal choice. if the person's in it to impress his or her friends, that's her choice as well. there's nothing wrong with being in love. why should a person's gender come into play?

unnatural? it is, once again, just another question of the majority. there are laws against gay sex, this and that, because a majority cannot accept this changing society. so fine. don't have gay sex. but telling someone that they can't be with someone else because they aren't of the opposite sex is a bit.. uhh.

you can win if you want. it's not much an argument anyway. boy, you're entitled to your opinions and i'm entitled to mine. no matter what you say, or how much you think gays should stop being gay or just die, it's not going to happen. gay people are going to be gay, bi people are going to be bi, and i, as your girlfriend, will continue being your girlfriend.

love you b. and it's not cos you're very, very oh-so-manly. it's cos you're you, and i like it that way. be it your condescending views on society, your pessimistic self, or your ugly little screwed up faces, or your cooking for me but being lazy to go downstairs and buy cigarettes and dinner, i love you.

and i'd like boy to know, just because i don't put emphasis on a person's gender when it comes to relationships and love, doesn't mean i'm going to leave you for a girl. or a guy. i want to be with you. heart you lahh my annoying little one.

die motherfuckers.

2008-05-04T03:34:00.001-07:00

by the way i fucking hate skinny people. can you all just drop fucking dead so i can stop feeling so fat.

our imaginary friend.

2008-05-04T00:14:00.000-07:00

is there something wrong with being bisexual?

honestly, i don't get why my parents are being so weird about it.

bianca calls me girlfriend, and it's a well known fact is SAC. apparently, someone went to ask her if bianca and i were really attached. she was EMBARRASSED. she came whome and told my mom about it, and complained that everyone's saying her sister's a lesbian and she's embarrassed about it. she even said, according to my mom, that "if sarah knows about it and doesn't do anything about it then it's very shameful.".

when i came home yesterday, my parents quizzed me about it, and threatened to send me to a psychiatrist. i told them, no, bianca and i are not attached. but what if i were bisexual anyway? after i said this, they were seemingly convinced my mom actually gave birth to satan's spawn. she said "i would be disgusted, ashamed of you. are you asking because it's true? tell me the truth, i want to know."

i don't like playing guessing games, and i told her yes, i was in fact, a bisexual. "i drive both lanes, and i don't think there's anything wrong with that.". daddy went "i'm sending her to a shrink." as if i wasn't there.

personally, it's a matter of choice, i think. there's nothing wrong or right. i know baby would beg to differ, but who is it hurting? if the majority is the norm, there are too many black sheep in the world to number.

people talk of being prejudiced, as if it were something so, so bad. still, i don't see any improvement. is it morally incorrect?

in the church i used to attend, the pastor once said on the pulpit, that homosexuality is damned, in the eyes of the lord, and all participants of this sinfulness will, definitely will go to hell.

hitler was a devout catholic who murdered billions of jews, homosexuals, handicaps, prostitutes, etc. people. living breathing people. did he go to heaven?

ghandi. a peace maker, who won a war with no weapons. who promoted all the right beliefs. did he die because he wasn't a christian?

if the line between right and wrong is drawn so clearly, then we're all already doomed to hell, no?

so much for agape love. for an unconditional god.

the cloud sketcher.

2008-04-30T08:26:00.000-07:00

so. today my grounding fifuckingnally ENDED, thank the lord.

went over to baby's in the morning, which was nice. seems like forever i've been away from him. we accomplished absolutely nothing at all, which is the way i like it. :]

anyway anyway.

i don't get why people are so fucking obsessed with mas selamat. i mean for fuck's sake, he supposedly ran away a month and a half ago, and we're still discussing it. people, move on.

overheard this absurd conversation in the train on the way home. it lasted all the fucking way from jurong and was still ongoing when i got off the train at bedok sweet bedok. so here's an extract of the conversation.

pock faced beng: ehh so how sia. i tink he die oredi lor. so long still never catch right.

jay chou wannabe: i tink hor, govermen conspiracy can. they kill him long ago lah.

p.f.b: oh ya hor, maybe. or else maybe he follor the saddam feller hide in the floor.

j.c.w: you siao ah. then eat pi sai, drink yewling survive ah. then his leg how. how he shave.

me: -stares in disbelief and awe- *mutters to no one in particular* what the fuck does shaving have to do with anything exactly.

caucasian girl next to me: -sniggers-

for truly, the human imagination is a wonderful thing. but it's precisely what makes the society i am forced to be sumberged in so goddamn embarrassing. i mean, intellectual exchange of ideas are one thing, but paranoia and coffeeshop-talk is a whole different thing altogether.

so, please save it for the taxi drivers convention and spare us innocent onlookers our ears. and of course, what's left of our nationalistic pride. because you, yes YOU, loud mouthers who lack the sense, are humiliating us and our oh-so-respectable country.

who gives half a fuck about mas selamat anyway. i mean, sure, he could blow us all up with a bomb or something, or unleash whatever evil terrorist forces, but what are the fucking chances. the man can't even shave. gosh.

note: i am aware of the fact that there's no such thing as half a fuck, if you're wondering. it's just a figure of speech okayy. plus, i'm ranting, so none of this is supposed to make much sense anyway.

as if this epoisode alone wasn't enough to make me want to curl up in my bed and curse my life away, some disgusting old man stood in the bus next to my seat and attempted to rub his genitals off my shoulder twice before i stood up and told him to get the fuck off the bus if he couldn't keep his saggy dick to himself or i would see to his well-deserved castration personally. or something along those lines.

like ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME THAT'S WHAT THEY HAVE GEYLANG FOR YOU SONVABITCH.

whatever.

next, was almost getting hit by a hideous blue toyota vios. apparently i didn't learn my lesson from the incident with the celica a few months back. i delivered a swift kick to the bumper then immediately started to pray the driver wouldn't get out of the car because i've had enough fun in the last two hours. he didn't and i could hear the hallelujah chorus in the lift on the way up.

got reprimanded for being late, but my mood couldn't possibly get any worse. first i was subject to torture, then sexual harrassment, then for dessert, a near-death experience.

well, a two minute conversation with boy cured all of that, but of course, he knows nothing of this yet. i think it would be funny when he reads this. i wish i were there to see his expression.

boyfr reminds me sometimes, that with all the crap that's going on, it's so seemingly easy to lose yourself in something you enjoy. then you just stop thinking about things that don't really matter.

i guess that's why i'm so addicted to him. he's my novacaine. love you! <3

awww :]

the part that was cut out.

2008-04-28T20:01:00.000-07:00

samantha: change him back mother.
endora: fine. (turns darrin back to a human from an elephant)
darrin: you know endora, i'm really getting sick of this. (brandishes a bottle) know what this is? huh? huh?
endora: no.
darrin: it's holy water. (opens bottle and splashes liquid on her face) how do you like that huh? huh? huh?
endora: (screams)
darrin: yeah that's right. the power of christ compels you, bitch.

well, everybody has a limit, no?

you won't even miss me when i'm gone.

2008-04-27T23:08:00.000-07:00

i need to run away now.

the claustrophobia is suffocating me, and it's like i can't breathe in this oppression. please, someone save me.

thank you nikki, darling for seeing me today. she's a fucking lifesaver, and i'm not exzaggerating. I DON'T THINK SHE EVEN KNOWS LOR.

nehhmind, i love her lots.

i miss boy madly and i think i'm gonna die because i haven't seen him in forever. :( I MISS YOU LAH B COME BEDOK AND SEE ME NOW.

run away run away run awayyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. i sound so fucking childish and juvi but i think it's justified here. of course, there's no place like home.. and it's the last place i want to be.

yes, it's comfortable here, but the sacrifices are just too damn great. the rules are so far fecthed it's unbelievable. curfews are one thing, but resricting what i wear, telling me what time to EAT?

enough is enough. seriously. it's only a matter of fucking time before i leave.

the only thing i'm afraid of.. is losing you in the process.

here's when i need you most.. and i realise that you've become so detached..so cold. like you want nothing to do with me anymore. like you don't care.

and i love you too.

2008-04-27T16:17:00.000-07:00

ignore the spastic face thank you.

i look quite skinny here.

three.

for you, i'll reserve my sunday best.

i look rather ugly. i think they're afraid of me.lizzeh is the sex. signature smile.

last sunday, when i celebrated my birthday when some of the church youths and aljunid people. it was good to see you guys. :]

THANK YOU FOR THE PRESENTS.

taking patience for granted.

2008-04-25T06:35:00.000-07:00

isn’t it so terribly sad?
death. leaving. leaving people you love, people who love you. death of a relationship, when you choose to abandon what you started building with someone else.

isn't it so terribly sad?

maybe. but not to me. another matter of perspective i say.

life doesn’t last very long. neither do most things in it. tragic, that good things almost always have an ending.. but fortunate, that they ever happened in the first place.

quote by brad pitt in troy “everything’s more beautiful, because we’re doomed. you will never be lovelier than you are now.. we will never be here, again.”

doomed.

like a rose. it’s a bud for days.. weeks. when it blooms, people cut them off and and sell them. boy gives them in dozens to girl, and she brings them home to put in vases. they’re beautiful, and so much lovelier to look at. they mean so much more.. because they don’t last long. in fact, they’re the most beautiful when they’re dying. to some.. maybe even when they’re already dead.

***

i've been pulled out of school, but the paper work has yet to be done. i've been informed that i would be expected to take on a job and eventually move out. i'm determined to take on maybe two, and maybe rent a place or a room soon.

i've also been grounded for your information, so don't get all mad when i don't answer your calls and sos messages.

sigh.

i miss everyone too. see you guys when i do.

and to you baby..?

i love you darling. and i miss you madly. it kinda sucks that you had the mood to game while i was telling you about my crapstorm, but i guess it's cos you've got nothing much to say to me. i think i've let you down.

i'm sorry b.. it's like i'm your very heavy burden, that you have to worry about all the time. i'm sorry.

if i could change it all.. i don't know. maybe i wouldn't have said hi at deafcon. then you wouldn't have had to go through all this with me. i wish i wasn't so selfish. i wish i didn't want so much for you to cry with me, or say you'd stick by me no matter what, or run over to bedok the instant you heard of what happened. i wish i wasn't so selfish.

thank you for being here baby. thank you for loving me still.

i love you.

simple pleasures vs human nature.

2008-04-23T08:16:00.000-07:00

simple things in life often bring the most pleasure. think of a drink on a sweltering day, a smile on a weary one, a massage your partner gives you after a long day at work, someone coming to pay you a visit when you're sick, or just seeing someone special to you.

funny, no one mentioned that it's when we're most desperate, that the tiniest action sets off the deepest feelings of gratitude. other then when we feel like we're stuck in the armpit of fucking life, we tend to overlook it.

i'm just saying it, not to show that i'm better than anyone else, because i do it too.

friends, family, boyfriend, you name it. the familiarity makes us insensitive, and we when fate hits us hard, we take it out on the people you know love you the most.

i realize that this is a very IN-YOUR-FACE post, but think about it for a second. isn't it true?

truth is, you know it is. people see what they want to. people believe what they want. we're just being human anyway.. aren't we all?

oh and i forgot, we're always so full of motherfucking excuses.

only a name, but sounds so sweet.

2008-04-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

i really should stop blogging about you so much.. but,

love, you're my biggest inspiration.

today had a bad dream while snoozing beside baby.. and it scared me.

people ask how i can possibly be so liberal in my relationship. maybe it's because i never thought of how terribly i could be hurt when it actually happens.

now i know. and i'm scared.

all things wither and die.. but we're not like that. not the way i feel when i fear your heartbeat ringing in my ears.

ily adriel.

*by imaginee, edit by me.

trouble with love is.

2008-04-21T00:00:00.000-07:00

makes me sick to the stomach how people can be so self righteous, even when they know it’s their fault for starting it.

how is it fucking possible that they think they can convince and fool everyone that they’re right, just because they say so? well they do.

cute, isn’t it, when they fight so hard to win. when they fight so damn hard to hurt the other party so they can move in for the kill. everything, everyone, is a fucking conquest.

what’s better is that when they do win, they taunt the other party for being so weak. or the other scenario, when they victimize themselves and turn the tables, make it their partner’s fault for having fucking emotions.

yes. hits close to home doesn’t it.

people are like that. selfish. that’s why love is so seemingly impossible, because it calls for so much more than we can be.

so somewhere between the melody and his gesture, i fell in love.

2008-04-20T18:23:00.000-07:00

i'll give beauty a name, then call it my unhealthy obsession.

yesterday was fun, i suppose. or was meant to be anyways. saw my own mother scamming her daughter into having awkward lunch with church people. don't get me wrong, i was pleasantly surprised and rather grateful they remembered. just that i felt very much like the prodigal daughter, and it was a tad weirdish.

the cute thing was them preparing a cake and everything, and i even got presents! sweet of them, really. and to think i've been visit. :(

i'm going to skip. i'm going to SKIP CLASS. i can't fucking take it anymore. gahh.

eats me alive

2008-04-16T20:06:00.000-07:00

i'm feeling insecure and it's excruciating.

i can't help but wonder why you're so reluctant to let me into your class. it's like you have something to hide from me.. or me from your classmates. don't want them to know you have a girlfriend here?

you should know how i feel, that i would be jealous. you still went ahead and did it. you don't love me enough to show some fucking consideration for my feelings? how the hell do you think i felt when i saw you eating and making merry with your classmates? if it happened to you, you wanted to smoke and i said i don't feel like it, i came out of my class when you asked to come in, and sent to you a pathetic, "i miss you" to "try and make things right", you wouldn't have been nice and sent back "you have other people to eat with.. :(" you would have said, "seems like you don't need me around much anyway, have fun.".

well, it seems like you don't even want me around you anymore, like you're starting to find me a hassle, like you're starting to care less, like you're just not interested in me anymore. have you grown tired? i don't blame you, i'm capable of being an annoying little bitch.

double standards just because that's the "way you are" isn't an excuse at your disposal. it's getting old, and i'm getting tired of having to bite my tongue.

thursday purples.

2008-04-16T18:01:00.000-07:00

didn't mention this before i think. skipped school on monday with felly scandal and new-friend farhan and vivoed. was like a fucking flashback experience, back to the year-one carefree skipping days, with fh instead of jo. i miss jo. :(

pooled money with scandal cos i fancied having cigarettes, and bought disgusting viceroy mentol lights cos that's what scandal smokes. _|_ faggoty cigarettes you know.

scandal, fh and i (felly was stonic.) all laughed five years off our life-spans when i fucking fell down, with style, as scandal put it. assholes continued laughing like hyenas at me because of the fateful fall. i've got bruises. they still hurt can.

tuesday saw me being a good girl and going to class. late, but still there. stayed the whole day and did my team proud. didn't get to see boy even though it was our fifth month anniversary, instead went to meet mummy to get the fucking concession. the stand closed before i got there, nabsy fucktards don't know how to wait for me.

yesterday was awesome. met boy at 1 30 at bugis to look for his latino tank. finally found in ramone after searching the entire face of the earth and considering going to motherfucking beach road. thankfully we didn't. hahaa. was home by 4 30. my legs were giving way and i didn't want another vivo episode so ran into the house like a person who's needed the toilet cos her bladder was going to burst.

i watched miami ink and tattoo wars and shiet, was it torturous or. i want one so badly.

-sulks

today doing java shit and i need to die cos i don't get any fucking thing at alllllllllll.

fuck school. i want badges for b's bag.

humph.

taking the life from mine.

2008-04-15T06:18:00.000-07:00

i wish.. you wanted me more.

breaking benjamin is love. and so is hawthorne heights. ohio is for lovers is the sex i tell you.

took b's schmelly bag to school this morning and i'm telling you, it's the most huggable bag i've had in my entire life. yay.

i didn't see him today, and i won't tomorrow. i won't hide my disappointment, cos there's really no point.

i miss you like fuck and wished to god and the devil i could see you now, somehow.

but oh well. till thursday then. i'm sure it's not as far away as it looks from here.

i love you anniversary boy. have a good one.

that i can see right through, all your empty lies

2008-04-14T18:27:00.001-07:00

class for the first time this week, half an hour into it and i'm already bored.

the dude next to me probably thinks i'm weird as fuck. i guess i am pretty psycho. the more disturbing thing is that i've done too perfect the impression of an empty headed bimbo. i'm enjoying the charade.

stay in class, get the fucking grade. it's not that hard.

i miss ad, i miss YOU babe.

happy anniversary,
i will not sign this.

for you, anything. i'm trying to be perfect, fool to the fact i'm only human.

it's worth it.

as we dance with the devil tonight.

beauty.

2008-04-14T06:28:00.000-07:00

i see you. I SEE YOU. i see thought your eyes, your laugh, your smile. i see the bruises under your shirt. i see you.

you see me.. you really do? who am i? what am i? what have i done? what's my life, my love, my fear, my regret? do you see all that? all of it?

yes.

then why are you still here?

***

beauty. who defines it?

the most specific answer i've ever been given was this "something so perfect, and flawless in itself, that nothing need be added, or taken away."

in modern terms, it would be translated as immaculate, gorgeous, startling, mesmerizing, lovely and so on. none of them are wrong per se, but don't you think it's too.. generalized, to be accurate?

my mom's got this HIDEOUS crystal vase. i think it's ugly. my sisters think it's ugly. my dad thinks it ugly. my auntie thinks it ugly. my maid confessed to trying to drop it cos she thinks it's ugly. the only two people who seem to think it's gorgeous, are my mom and my grandmummy.

to them, it's pretty.

so it is.

pretty subjective, isn't it.

to a lot of people, onlookers, outsiders, friends, this thing i have going on with boyy is the biggest crapstorm of a relationships ever, but it's perfect. from where i'm standing, there's really no one else i'd rather weather this with.

just so you know.. i love you.

signed, sealed, de-fucking-livered.

2008-04-13T06:37:00.000-07:00

told me we meant the world to you
but no, you didn't, didn't bother asking what wrong
didn't bother trying to explain what she were doing gagged with her thong
told me you'd be honest and true
but no, you weren't, weren't half-fucked when i asked what the fuck was going on
what she was doing naked on the floor of our apartment

inspire, expire
but then i'm not your motivation anymore baby, you're outta reach
drink me, have me
but then i'm already yours, fell hook, line and sinker for a sonovabitch

told me you'd be here to catch me when i fell
but no, you didn't, didn't hear me plead
didn't say nuthin' when i first begged you not to leave
told me you'd be there to love me when things got bad
but no, you weren't, weren't around to catch the blood
weren't around to cure my fucking infection

told me you'd never cheat, never lie
but no, you did, you turned the tables and delivered a blow to my chest
all along, strung along, and to think i left you my best
told me you wouldn't fuck around with us and this
but no, you did, you DID, you motherfuckin' traitor
you did what you said what you would and i'd never recover

it hurts, fucking hurts, walking on broken glass
cos you shattered me boy, shattered me
i hope, you got what you fucking wanted, this
cos i didn't darling, i didn't
and i hate myself for now, for still loving you
you fucking cunt, i still do

*original

i miss my boy like fucking mad.

i wish i could put you in my pocket, or thread you around my neck on the chain. then i'd never be without you.

boy you've got me eating out the palm of your hand, hanging on your every word and intention. you've got me.

so. i'm officially whipped.

baby's place.

2008-04-12T02:44:00.000-07:00

change of weather
still together when it ends

i love my b. i weally weally do.

but he play game don't want me.

i hate the invention of computer games as if it were a dildo up my ass. it's a creul invention as far as us girlfriends are concerned.

he just went HUMPH HUMPH HUMPHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. and is currently busy nibbling my shoulder and then he BIT me. and now just went back to his game, humph humph humph-ing away, snorting, grunting and he BURPED.

i hate that he's so damn adorable sometimes and i can't be properly angry with him.

fuck it lah. i don't like can. CUDDLE WITH MEEEEEEEEEEE.

idiot. i only get to spend two proper days with you a week. wouldn't it be so much more fun if we spent the time together productively fucking or talking or fighting. :(

i'm sulking sulking whining whining and pouting away. NOTICE OR NOT.

tmdknnbccb lah.

FINALLY saw evan and fell in school yesterday but they fucking cut class AGAIN and went to lot fucking one. what's in lot one you tell me. ass. i have yet to see you stay in school a whole day. YOU CAN DO IT LAH HOW HARD CAN IT BE MAN.

i love you guys. seriously. i hope you know what it implies. i wish you guys would come to school, not just so you guys can do stupid things like study, but to see ME.

also i miss jo. unfortunately, the one day which i needed to see him, i didn't feel like it. i feel bad i missed my chance for a reunion, but that's just me. I WILL SEE YOU SOON JO. jefs still rocks my world please. i mean, you guys are what i go to school for. and my b, of course, and that my parents are checking up on me, but that's besides the point. well.

my class is still pretty sucky fucky. but that's probably because i've been late every day of the week, and left halfway twice, and haven't gotten to properly know them yet. i can't even remember their names, save for one or two. i have to work on that.

jaq is really irritating tho. i think she's the next tako ball. fat, irritating, know-it-all. bahh.

and and and cheena people suck. absolutely hate it when they speak chinese in their little clusters, especially when there's a yalam girl in the group. is just so fucking insensitive and mean.

other than that, i guess it's bearable, for the moment. we'll see how the next week goes.

hold on to me.

2008-04-10T21:19:00.001-07:00

this isn't me.

you wouldn't know, and even if you did, you wouldn't understand.

i'm crying
screaming your name
bleeding from every pore
but you don't hear me
you don't know.

i'm hurting
insecurity just under my skin
tearing me apart, eating me inside
but you don't bother asking
you don't know.

i love you. too much.

i won't be seeing you later. i know it.

why penguins?

2008-04-10T06:10:00.000-07:00

Question:

Which is your favorite animal and why?

Response:

the penguin.

for one, i think it's the idea of role-reversal that
appeals to me. see, in a penguin's world, the males are
the ones who take care of the eggs while the females go
out to hunt. it's a really interesting perspective,
because amusing as it is, that's what is rapidly
becoming the situation in the society among our species
today.

also, i like the fact that they're so.. faithful. when a
male penguin is attracted to a mate, he scours the land
for the most beautiful pebble he can find and brings it
to her. and it's when she accepts it, that they become
partners for life. it's beautiful in it's simplicity,
and kind of reminds me what love should be. what life
should be. the innocence and sincerity that we should
have, but lack.

not to mention, penguins are only the most adorable
creatures on the planet. :]

momentum.

2008-04-09T19:32:00.000-07:00

i don't get motherfucking java. I DON'T GET IT OKAY.

evan and felly ponned today. AGAIN. like it's the third motherfucking day of the first week of school, and i haven't seen them at all. :( i miss youuuuuuuuuuu.

you are, the dark ocean bottom
and i am, the fast sinking anchor
should i fall for you?
should i fall for you?

you are, the scar on my tissue
that i show all of my new friends
should i show you me?
should i show you me?

all we need, is a little bit of momentum
break down these walls, that we've built around ourselves
all we need, is a little bit of inertia
break down and tell, break down and tell

that you are, the rain on the fire
deep in the trees, when no one was looking
should i speak of this?
should i speak of this?

you are, the mirage in the distance
that defys the heat of the desert
should i believe in you?
should i believe in you?

these rules were made to break
and these walls were made to fall
these rules were made to break us all

i miss you, madly. i need my daily dose of daily affection from you baby, but no, you wouldn't know. i'll bear with it, only because it's for you.

i'll do anything.

** edit

java isn't that bad afterall. it's rather easy to understand.. just annoying when the errors keep showing. i realise my boyfriend isn't the only thing i'm obsessive about sometimes. -shrugs.

dating a genius has it's perks.

2008-04-07T05:52:00.001-07:00

Question:

What strategies have I used to help me in my learning?

Response:

brainstorming, questioning, inference, referencing. in
short, thinking.

E.E Cummung once said ' Always the beautiful answer who
asks a more beautiful question'

i asked questions persistantly and with expectations of
receiving an answer. through this, i am able to make
decisions more effectively and within a shorter time frame.

even at this moment i believe quality learning is taking
place. as i answer this rj question, i begin to wonder
'isn't this a question?' , which then leads to me
realizing that thinking itself is nothing but the
process of asking and answering questions.

in short, questions help me accomplish three specific
things : 1, questions immediately change what I am
focusing on and therefore how i feel, 2, questions
change what we delete. they are the laser of human
consciousness, they concentrate our focus and determine
what we feel and do. lastly, questions change the
resources available to us.

to elaborate more about 3, questions i ask help others
to stimulate thoughts and ideas, therefore it is
important that i ask specific and effective questions
for the best results.

thanks b! :]

don't forget the violence.

2008-04-06T06:16:00.000-07:00

judgment day's tomorrow, or so it seems. quite literally too.

first impressions, stealing glances while making comparisons on the sly.. quite the norm by now, i must say. and tomorrow's not going to be any different.

a majority of my new classmates look like god's little jokes run amok. no that's not really nice. they look like they have the brains needed for the classes and i don't. so i'm being mean.

whatever. i hope there are good looking people in my class. at least it'll give me something to do instead of listening. :]

overdue.

2008-04-05T23:40:00.000-07:00

lunch at ajisen. stacy so cute can. her braces and all. :]

i'm sorry i hurt you.

2008-04-05T09:42:00.000-07:00

i took forever to get there, and idiot took forever to prepare, but we did get out of the house to meet vanessa. we got lost in town trying to look for paragon, yes we're losers kayy shut up.

i hate public transport.

***

some things are never very easy to say, and this is one of them. i'm sorry.

overrated, overused, so much so they've lost their meaning. but i'm saying it from the bottom of my heart. i'm sorry.

our relationship means more than just this to me, and to have it all with you, i'm gonna put everything on the line.

i've long lost my credibility, i know. rebuilding your faith in me is going to take awhile, because things like that don't fade after an apology. it's going to be hell for some time before we get over this rough patch, but i'm glad we're doing this together. it's worth it. i know it is.

i don't want to lie to you, and hurt you anymore. i want to be your girlfriend. for real.

no buts. i'm serious about you b, and i want you to know. i'll do whatever it takes, really.

i'm bored.

2008-04-04T09:43:00.000-07:00

well yesterday night was torturous to go through, so i'm not going to relive it, thanks very much.

but i have to say, the whipped cream on my mocha frapp was when my nail broke while i was pulling up my pants.

if you've seen me recently, you'd know my nails failtly resemble cats claws, only much, much longer. i actually liked them.

this morning i actually woke up comtemplating whether or not to get an acrylic nail replacement of sorts, so i wouldn't have to cut the rest of my nails to even it out. i asked baby if i should cut them and he said yes. so it was with regret in my heart and pain in my veins that i cut my nails off, one my one. i actually took an hour, cos it was really tragic. i swear i heard them screaming, "noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!".

so now i'm back to the primary school way of looking neat and sweet. only now that i've grown so accustomed to having my nails long, aka the way i like them, i feel rather handicapped without them. it's a very, very sad affair, really.

i tried making myself feel better by telling baby in a message that messaging him was so much easier with my nails shorty short, and he proved to be the wrong one to turn to for moral support in my time of need, because he replied "not for me. :) i'm a vampire. used to it.".

ohh well.

i bought cigarettes today. and got the love of all things good and holy i do not know what came over me when my love suggested i switch my original choice of menthol ice with next chill.

it is BEYOND disgusting.

i cannot believe i'm blogging about frivolous things as such while children are deprived of FOOD in third world countries, while sharks are being hunted mercilessly for their meat, while.. OH MY GOD i think my lips are cracking!

for your information it's not JUST bout being vain. it hurts like fuck if you must know. and besides, grace said being a girl is a perfect excuse, so i'm USING IT.

neh ni neh ni poo poo.

whatever okayy sarah, you're so fucking childish.

it's been driving me mad, missing you.

2008-04-01T22:38:00.000-07:00

to be honest, i have no idea what the hell came over me last night.

i think i really am happy now, and more than just contented with my lot in life. i'm having a wonderful time now, really. yesterday night was probably some exaggerated moodswing. oh well.

to my boyfriend, you are a jerk sometimes. but you know i love you for who you are, and i'm not just saying that. my darling, i'll keep running after you. the past four months is just the beginning. we'll go through hell to stick together, but love isn't something that will fizzle out. not this time, at least. it's a promise i'm determined to keep. please have faith in us and where we're going. we're not fighting for a lost cause and i truly believe that. have faith in you, and me.

love you. a lot.

the walk.

2008-04-01T10:08:00.000-07:00

i'm crying. like loud-bawling-screaming-like-a-banshee-nose-dripping-like-a-fucking-tap kind of crying. i don't even know why.

maybe it's because all of a sudden, i feel alone. very alone. it's just the loud bengs playing trash music from their car, and manson screaming into my ears that remind me that i'm here. i'm here, and i'm real. and it sucks.

maybe it's because i have issues with myself, like everyfuckingone else. family problems, insecurity, an inferiority complex, impending doomsday (school's starting.), losing some of the people that mean most to me or used to, and of course, my relationship problems.

i probably fooled you. i probably got you thinking that everything's better now. of course it bothers me that my parents fight because of me. that they blame me. of course it bothers me that my mom told me she's be better off if i were dead. of course it hurts when one of my best friends come back from fucking AUSTRALIA for a stint, and i'm apparently not worthy enough to be informed of her arrival. of course it scares me that my classmates are mostly strangers and are probably all better at me when it comes to school work. of course it affects me when boyfriend fight over the stupidest things and we can't seem to solve the littlest issues.

i'm only freaking human.

i can't believe i'm turning 18. i feel like fucking 6.

i AM dependent. i AM weak. i AM scared. of every little thing.

i'm scared of so many, many things. i'm afraid of coming home to face my family, knowing i'm the one who caused this disfunctionality. of starting school, because i know i'll want to skip every single day of it. of being trusting, aware of possibly being let down, again. of being honest, because that would make me vulnerable. of being nice, because that would make me a pushover. of being happy because i know it won't last.

if i told you all of it, you wouldn't believe me. hell you're probably laughing now. you're probably thinking "she's just another one of those EMO FUCKS. they're all the same."

yes. yes i am. i'm just another one of you. i'm just another stereotype, another one the branded thousand sheep in the flock. i'm blind, and i have no mind of my own. everything i am, is fake. everything i thought i was, was a lie.

obviously. i mean, who would believe that someone could be happy all the time? who would believe someone who was on the verge of a breakup with the possibly the one man she ever truly loved say she's alright an hour later, smiling and telling everyone who asked that she'd be fine?

i try too hard. you're right. you're all RIGHT. okayy?

my friends. most of you have never seen me cry. how could you know me. I don't know me.

maybe i care too much. maybe i shouldn't.

but i want to. i want to know that i'm stronger than all of this. i wish i could do better, but then, it's enough, isn't it? enough to get me by. day by day, step by step, i'll get better than this.

i miss jo. i miss the things he used to say to me. the way he did. i miss the way i felt when i was crying on jo's shoulder and he said it was going to be okay. i miss the way i felt like i mattered to someone so much that they would just sit there, waste their life just being quiet and let me cry. i miss the way he said don't change. that i was beautiful the way i was. that it wouldn't be right if i was anymore guarded, if i was any stronger than i was. i miss the way the beach smelt. the way scandal and felly looked so perfect together, the way jo kept trying to lighten the mood, the way they were all just there. the way they were, the way we were, the way they looked.

i'm so sick. i'm so sick of everything about me. i'm so sick of trying to LIKE me. i'm so sick of being who i am and who i look like, and who i act like, and who i talk like, and who i walk like. i'm disgusted of me. the tears taste like fucking acid. they're stinging my cheeks, and it hurts. and tonight, for the first time in a long while, i find myself actually wanting to die.

i hate being here. i hate being alive. i hate every breath i take, and every drop in my fucking veins. i hate being blessed by things i shouldn't have. i hate having to live with this mentality. it would be so much kinder if god would just kill me. out of mercy.

but then again.

all the people who love me. all my genuine friends, my sister, adriel.. people who put up with all my bullshit. you guys don't necessarily know much about me, know my fears as well as my scathing, biting side. but thank you.. i love you all. all those times i took it out on you, lost my patience, lost my temper, lost my fucking marbles, i'm sorry.

but i hope you know, nikki, evan, felly, jo, jolene, bianca, and baby, that without you, life wouldn't be worth living. i mean it.

it's hard to fathom, it's hard to believe. but it's true. that one person, that YOU. you've made a difference. to me at least. really.

so for what it's worth.. thank you.

i don't deserve any of you.

excuse me, too busy writing your tragedy
these mishaps, you're bubble-wrapped
you have no idea what you're like

so let go, let go
jump in
what're you waiting for
it's alright, cos there's beauty in a breakdown
so let go, let go
just get in
yeah, it's so amazing
it's alright, cos there's beauty in a breakdown

screamin' hallelujah.

2008-03-31T09:06:00.000-07:00

i think my scandal has gotten hotter since the last time i've seen her can. hello temptation island.

MUAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAA. i'm kidding, don't worry. i'm very faithful when i want to be. and i want to be. :]

today i came home and saw mummy and stacy on the couch, laughing like fucking hyenas. stacy called out to me and told me something bleeding HILARIOUS.

i think people who try too hard are sad. and it's pathetic the way some people fish for compliments when they obviously don't deserve any. ohh well.

beer night's tomorrow. but i've gotten pretty tired of inviting the other ra over to chips and her never coming. :(

this time we're not givin up,
let's make this forever.

an spg that makes sense.

2008-03-30T01:05:00.000-07:00

Of course I should be myself, and the way I am is that sleeping around isn’t a big deal to me. If he didn’t want me to sleep with another man, then I wouldn’t. I don’t think he gets it, but to me, my time with him is worth it’s value in the gratification I get in return. I wouldn’t bother to sleep with someone else because it’ll hurt him and it just wouldn’t be worth my time,

So, sex with someone else would not only hurt someone I love, but it would also be a waste of my time, and an unnecessary expenditure of my emotions, and perhaps a chance at catching a nasty disease. And the sex isn’t even going to be guaranteed as good. Now, if that were the case, why would I sleep with someone else?

this is from the infamous SARONG PARTY GIRL, whom i think is pretty much awesomely intelligent, and happens to make a lot of sense. i do not see why she's condemned for being comfortable with her sexuality and writing about it. she's just taking it one step further than you are anyway.

so. the extract is an example of her ingenuity, yay that i've found someone who'd think like that. it's what i call a feel good character. she makes me feel good about myself. not that i think she's a dirty whore. just makes me think that if this is someone else's stand on the matter, then i'm better off than just okayy.

it sounds like i'm standing next to her just to look good. HAHAA. i'll admit that i'm a very shallow person here, thanks very much.

whatever. it's not as if you don't do it either, don't lie.

on another note, i find that i've never had a such an immense dislike for computer games as i do now. women these days are no match for the entertainment these annoying little inventions the human minds concoct.

well.

i'm probably being a grouch and making an issue over nothing, but i don't like being ignored on the account of such inane activities, ie slaying mythological creatures in a game that earns you style points. boyy, you're not earning any with me. -pouts

i want to go out with you love, so i can snatch you away from the stupid creatures that hold your attention whenever the computer is within your reach. or the bed. (i know what you're thinking, and that's not it.)

despite my constant whining and complaining (i am a girl after all.), i must say that i am truly, madly, deeply in love with my boyfriend and that he's the best. our relationship is progressing nicely, and we're very, very happy. but of course, you would care about that, would you. tch.

no one ever cares about genuine feelings anymore, i think. it's the bitching and gossip that's entertaining. ISN'T IT, YOU FUCKING WHORES AND SLAVES TO THE CONTAMINATED RANTINGS OF OTHER DERANGED PEOPLE WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

-deep breath

bye.

my boyfriend is hotter than yours. neh ni neh ni poo poo.

2008-03-28T10:39:00.000-07:00

satan's loss

the sun is shining, but the future is bleak
the black is blinding, and my will is weak
the birds are singing, but my fingers grow cold
the sky is darkening, and my worries unfold
the panic is dawning, but i refuse to give in
the tears are rolling, but the devil won't win
the storm is passing, and in it's place
a beautiful awakening, a determined face
we have prevailed, and we are victorious
we have won, it's truly glorious

-sheri

my sister is fourteen and mutilating herself. i don't know why the fuck i did that, but i gave a PEP TALK. can you believe it. me. pep talk. sheri.

i know i'm the most unlikely candidate, but i'd like to think she actually listens from time to time.

look at this.

wait and see, i've been reserved about myself, but my experience is pretty real. relationships hurt. wise words from my sister who had BGR from a very young age;

"wait till you're at the age of 16. there are 3 months before your school starts," (my sisters in polytechnic) "and thats the prime time to start dating. but if you get involved in this crap now, by the time it comes for you to actually start dating, you realise you're sick of being hurt, and you don't feel like dating. soon, you think the whole guy population is out to get you, and you don't even want to face the world."

hmm. she's right.i'm keeping this slate here, clean till i reach 2010.

a direct quote straight from the blog okayye. i had no idea.

i feel inspired to be inspiring. :]

anyways, spent the day with baby today and it was nicey nice. we watched movies and played gamesssss. okayy no. i watched movies and he played games. HAHAHAA. but neh mind. we got to nap together for three hours and it was sweet.

he cooked porridge for me and even gave me chocolate to eat. isn't he the sweetest?

mummy i've met the man i wanna spend the rest of my life with. <3

***

edit:

Adriel ; The constant. says:
UR BLOG REMINDED ME I GOT CHOCOLATE
IM GG TO GET FATTTTTTTTTT

Sarah says:
HAHAHAA MY SILLY BABY
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GET FAT
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I LOVE YOU LAH
FAT OR NOT
OKAYYE
GO SLEEP YOU PIG
:]

omg we're the cutest couple ever.

pouty farewells and goodnight kisses

2008-03-25T12:24:00.000-07:00

i miss you.

so many people there, none are me. :(

sometimes, i fuck up, and say these things out loud.

2008-03-24T09:24:00.000-07:00

spent the day at love's place, whiled the day away, which was strangely fulfilling. :]

***

on the way home, i was just thinking how hard it is to find sincere sincerity in this present time and age. everyone's so damn busy living for themselves it's difficult to find friends who'll stick with you no matter what.

i mean this in the physical sense as well.

i have friends who are never there for me when i need them, even unavailable to me on the fucking phone when i need someone to talk to. for some reason, these are the exact same people who expect me to be at their beck and call, regardless of time and occasion.

fair-weather friends. like boyy, i have many, it seems.

well.

ON TO HAPPIER THINGS. :]]]]]

i took neoprints with the family and auntie vicky on saturday. my mom's really pretty. everyone says. they for get to mention me. :(

BUT NEHMIND I LURB EUU. <3

to adriel:

2008-03-23T06:35:00.000-07:00

breaks my heart to see you like that, and i'm sorry my jealousy got in the way.

you're right, we've been through a lot, and it's been hell for the both of us. but we've tasted heaven too. i still want us to work out, and i've never stopped believing we will.

and love, i miss you too.

p.s.: the only reason why my msn nick was sarah and nothing else was because i was on my daddy's computer which only had windows messenger :(

hello.

2008-03-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

i have a bestfriend. he's gay.

okayy no i lied. but,

I BLOGGED. :]

musicismysoul.

2008-03-22T09:32:00.000-07:00

and so the time has come. THIS, WORLD, IS WHAT I LISTEN TO. so all the people who categorize others by the music they listen to can EAT MY CORNHOLE, cos i can't be ALL or these personalities! BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAA. asswipes.

or can i. -smirks.

JIMMY EAT WORLD

for the love of god, i don't know why they sound so fucking awesome okayy. i mean, look at them all, two of them fat, all four are not-very-spectacular-looking, weird hair, standard made-in-america look. nothing too outstanding. but the music they come up with, the lyrics, the melody, every single aspect of their music is so perfect it AWES me. yes. leaves my mouth hanging open like nita's.

BOYS LIKE GIRLS

look at them. all god-like and manly, eating bananas. so SEXYY. their sound is like a cross between jimmy eat world and the academy is. their vocalist's (martin johnson) is sexy in that i'm-sorry-i'm so-breathless-cos-i-just-finished-doing-one-of-my-fans-so-i-know-you'll-forgive-me way. I KNOW I DO because it's only one of the sexiest voices i've been privileged to hear in this lifetime. i am currently infatuated with their cover song, LET GO. please go listen to it if you can, it's positively ORGASMIC. sad too. :(

DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE

they've got all kinds of weird sounds in their tracks, but they pull it off somehow, and well. i love the way their songs come across so organic and pure in that back-to-where-we-came-from way. in an artist-to-artist way, i practically idolize them, and their work is a great inspiration to my own attempts. DCFC IF YOU EVER READ THIS, I WANNA BE LIKE YOU.

LOST PROPHETS

only FANFUCKINGTASTIC. i love yous wouldn't be enough to cover what i feel like screaming at the top of my lungs when i listen to them. it's a lot of noise, some people say, but then again, select few can say they are worthy of having their ears blessed by the strains of ian, lee, mike, stuart, jamie and ilan meshed together in a symphony like a chorus of angels. MWUAHH. (baby i still love you best okayy.)

MARILYN MANSON

oh gods, where do i begin. born brian warner, now MARILYN FUCKING MANSON. need i say more. this man stands for everything i want to be, everything i was, everything i am. haters can go fuck yourselves cos you're only JEALOUS that he's awesome and you're not. self-made, confident, adventurous.. and hotter than red chilli padiiiiiiiiiii. :]

THE HUSH SOUND

sex in a song isn't hard to find when you're listening to the hush sound. only it's better than sex. sometimes. -cheeky grin. kayy sarah shut up.

PARAMORE

paramore paramore. the latest big thing to hit the radio.. one word. overrated. but still, pretty good, to be fair. hayley williams is fucking hawt and i want hair like hers. okayy, like i'm so beyond superficial.

AMY WINEHOUSE

honestly, her voice leaves much to be desired for, cos it's nothing spectacular. but her -ahem, figure, nature, behavior and attitude on and off the stage is something i would like very much to acquire. without the rehab.

THE DRESDEN DOLLS

and of course, how could i leave em' out? cabaret has reached new heights with this modern duo. famous for the track coin-operated boy, which is nicey niiiiiiiiiice. but in view of their obscurity in the beginning, i highly doubt they're known for any of their other tracks, or their attitude or style. i love the dresden dolls because they LIVE rock and roll.

and now, for a bit of random humor.

Me: iTunes, play whatever you want on random.

iTunes: Cool! Have some Isaac Hayes, followed by Yes!

Me: Maybe we need to talk about this...

iTunes: Hey, jerk, it was in YOUR library. Don't blame me for getting creative.

Me: Let's never fight again.

iTunes: Aww, I feel bad. Here, have Zeppelin, then Wilco, and now Tool. Are we cool?

Me: Yeah, we're cool. Stop being so clingy. Sheesh.

iTunes: Clingy?! What do you mean? I'm not clingy! Here, have some back to back Skynyrd! See? I'm cool! I'm cool! Let's hang out!

Me: Uh . . .

iTunes: Now have some Copeland!

Me: Copeland? After Skynyrd?

iTunes: Yep. Now enjoy some Sade.

Me: *blinks*

iTunes: My, my, we're really learning at lot about you today, aren't we?

Me: Hey! Anne put that in there.

iTunes: Oh, so you're sharing me with someone else? Maybe she wants to hear . . . Gary Numan's Cars?

Me: Actually, she put that in there, too.

iTunes: Well what about Uncle Tupelo? Is that you? Or is our whole relationship based on a lie?

Me: No, that was me. You're starting to freak me out.

iTunes: Here, enjoy something soothing called Velvet Piano. What the hell is this? Did you download this from one of those retroblogs you read?

Me: How did you know about that?

iTunes: the SDK isn't just for programmers, you know.

Me: Okay, I think it's time for a playlist.

iTunes: No! No! Here's Nine Inch Nails! You just bought that! You like Nine Inch Nails! And now Boingo! doesn't it make you happy? Doesn't it remind you of those halcyon days of youth?

Me: Now you're just embarrassing yourself. I think we're going to spend a little time away from each other.

iTunes: Wait!

Me: It's not you, iTunes. It's me.

iTunes: You're going to listen to the Juno CD in the car, aren't you?! I knew it!

Me: Okay, we need to stop.

iTunes: Why?

Me: The joke is wearing thin. This isn't funny any more.

iTunes: I love you.

Me: *Force Quits iTunes*

my boyfriend snoressssssssssssss. :]

2008-03-21T01:42:00.000-07:00

baby.. DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW CUTE YOU LOOK WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPINGGGGG.

i love my life. <3

to my favourite person in the whole wide world.

2008-03-19T10:05:00.000-07:00

since baby so incredibly IMPATIENT, i blog your part first okayy!

we spent the day together again, despite that horrific episode we went through yesterday. nothing much else you need to know, except that we're in fantastic shape and i'm just as eager to get married to the boy, or even more so.

i think that even though we've been through more than our fair share of crap in the last FOUR MONTHS AND FIVE DAYS, we're still going strong. or better.

if i dare flatter myself, i suppose i would say i know you better now than before and although i have problems coping with the way you handle things sometimes, i can accept that you have your reasons. we quarrel and fight and go through rough patches and quite honestly, suffer more than most people do in relationships, it amazes me that you still care and are still willing to crawl through the mud with me.

i'm quite the unreasonable bitch at times, and more often than not, i assume and mind-fuck myself into jumping in conclusions i shouldn't. so thank you for forgiving me all the times i didn't deserve it.

there's so much more to say, but none that needed to be said here because you already know. bottom line, i'm glad that we're in this together, and i love you.

remember when evan asked that question at macs when we ponned school and went to the library?

you're still the one adriel. always will be.

and if you loved me.

2008-03-18T09:25:00.000-07:00

there will come a phrase every single couple has to face. doubt. doubt how long they will last, if they're meant for each other, if they will leave for someone else, if they will cheat behind closed doors, and so on. so.

what happens, when the person you love doubts the very core of the relationship and says "YOU DON'T LOVE ME."

you hear yourself questioning in your mind, what have i done wrong, what didn't i do at all, what i could have done, what i could have done better. and then you whisper the words that voice your every emotion. the fear in your every heartbeat, the insecurity rippling in your muscles, and the pain that courses through your veins. "WHY.. WHY WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?"

but of course, as always, there will be no conclusion to that argument. it may be on a pause, but the very next quarrel you face together will be when all the bitterness resurfaces and you're confronted with your nightmares once fucking more.

this is also when love is incomprehensibly incomprehensible, irrational, illogical and near impossible.

but then again, after the whole shebang you people make out of it, you look into the eyes of your beloved creature and realize that he/ she is truly the most annoying, irritating, childish, insensitive, irresponsible, obnoxious, etc.. person you know.

but at the same time, are aware of the fact that he/ she is also your better half. the half that remembers to put the toilet seat down, who when you get home from a rough day at work, who massages youtakes your pee containers in the room out to wash, who tells you exactly where your keys are when you thought you lost them, who color-codes your entire wardrobe, and who keeps your heart safe in case it gets hurt.

that's why you're still quarreling. the pain is just proof that you still care about each other, even after all the shit-eating you've been through together.

i love you ADRIEL ARISTA THAM, FELLOW SHIT-EATER.

do the dance.

2008-03-17T23:17:00.000-07:00

what's art? what's love, life, happiness?

everything we're NOT.

***

by the way, i'm probably going to use MONOGOMYWITHADRIEL.BLOG as the html and I'M MARRIED TO ADRIEL AND CHEATING WITH BIANCA as the header. HAHAA. so if you can't find me at deadmentelltales, that's where i'll be. :]

i almost forgot!

2008-03-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

I LOVE YOU ADRIEL! GOODNIGHT MY BABY PENGUIN!

remember to tuck pb in okayy? he'll be cold if you don't! sleep as early as you can.. get some rest yeahh? you must be really tired. :( poor baby.

so go sleep alreadyyyyy!

SPRING CLEANING TOMORROW!

and message me ahh, you pwomised! <3

she's a beautiful girl.

2008-03-17T11:58:00.000-07:00

today was niceeeeeeeee. pretty okayy. i'm not going to narrate my day to you cos that would be BOR-INGGG.

but it was fucking freaky when i called geri this ~~morning~~ afternoon just for the heck of it, and was mortified and pretty much scared shitless when her mother returned my call with the message that her daughter was just involved in a bus accident. oh gods.

kinda made me think of what a horrible job of being a so-called close friend i've been doing. i was so close to crying my tears temporary blinded me when i sent her a message saying i pledge to meet her every fortnight from now on, whether she likes it or not.

moving on.. oh wait.

and it was pretty cool that we double dated with bunny and lian at night. then they somehow convinced me to lie to stay out later. i got an expense paid cab trip home, but i got anal-fucked by my parents.

oh and there was the episode when we spent the time i was supposedly fighting with boyfriend MAKING FUCKING MERRY at the coffeeshop drinking beer and smoking. eventually we left, and i got to pee before cabbing back to baby's. well, they're still there and i'm HOME. which is actually nice. i'm surprised at myself.

so, to the point now.

i came home to a foreign as well as familiar face. a visitor from philippines. actually hongkong, if you wanna get all technical. she was staying with us 11 years before she gave up her job here in search of greener pastures back in philippines, then couldn't and went to hk instead.

we share this love/ hate relationship, auntie vicky and i. but it was funny when i got out of the cab and she was there with my mom, and the first thing she said was "oh my goodness sarah! so SEXY now ahhhhh!" then runs over to hug me. squealing.

i remember her bigger.. sacrier. but now she looks so small, so.. nice. i mean, this woman used to hit me for kicks, yank at my toes to wake me up, threw tissue boxes and alarm clocks at me, and made me cry all the fucking time.

i can't honestly say that i missed her any, but it is nice to see her again. she kinda reminds me of who i was before. before things got.. complicated. :]

so welcome back auntie vicky.

sweet dreams.

2008-03-16T08:44:00.000-07:00

i am currently:

- anxious to get married.
- having emotional constipation.
- in love with my RED CHANEL BAG.
- in love with my RED CHANEL WALLET.
- in love with my BLACK PRADA BAG.
- in love with my LOUIS VUITTON BAG.
- out of cigarettes.
- in need of a job.
- wanting to strangle that woman LILLIAN.
- hungry.
- irritated with the world.
- irrational.
- listening to THE WHITE STRIPES.
- missing bianca, jolyn, trish and karina VERY, VERY MUCH. and all of a sudden too.
- missing BOYFRIEND, ADRIEL ARISTA THAM even more.
- wanting to booze.
- wishing i was a better drinker so i could cheat people into buying me beer and drink it ALLLLL.
- thinking i'm mad.
- rather content with where i am. here's proof:

okayy make that REALLY HAPPY. baby makes fun of that smile. which is mean. but NEH-MIND. i forgive you.

i haven't been sleeping all too well, and insomnia's taken it's toll. i've got this horrendous break out and i look like shit. but i suppose it's got it's pros as well.

i find myself with hours and hours of free time and nothing to occupy myself with. i thought it was incredibly annoying at first, then rediscovered the wonders of pen, paper and lyrical bullshit.

and yet, when i DO get to sleep.. i have the most horrific nightmares. i'm almost afraid to sleep now. oh well.

you wouldn't believe me if i told you anyway.

somebody explain this
what the fuck, is this another joke.

***

edit: ohh. i'm loving my white blog. makes me feel so clean and happy. black made me sad. :(

AND BIANCA LOVES ME. :] i love her too!

and by the way,

I LOVE BOYFRIEND.
I MISS YOU OKAY ADRIEL THAM Y.K..
MY PENGUINNNNN.

ohh, and suggestions for a new blog address resulted in this so far:

adriel-
youcanthavemecosimadriels.blog
adrielsgirlfriend.blog
imattachedtoadriel.blog
dontbothercosimnotsingle.blog
adriel&sarahpenguins.blog (love this one.)
sarahandadriel4eva.blog (4EVA! HAHAHAHAHAHA!)
monogomywithadriel.blog
iwontflirtwithyou.blog
nugget&fishball.blog

bianca-
raramakesyouwannalala.blog
~~raraisbetterthanbunny.blog~~
ibelongtoadrielandbianca.blog
sarahisbiancasgirlfriend.blog (haha!)
theloverofadrielbiancajolyn.blog
sarahlovesbianca.blog
~~bunnyblaster.blog~~
sarahskold.blog
iammarriedtoadrielandcheatingwithbianca.blog (this isn't true tho.)
bunnycanlickmycunt.blog
bunnycankissmyass.blog
iamadrielsfuturewife.blog (this is)
sarahownsbianca.blog
acnaibsevolharas.blog (that's sarahlovesbianca spelt backwards)
rararistatantockseng.blog (this is fking stupid okayy.)
~~ihatenitaandbunny.blog~~
helloallsaciansbiancaisminebackoffbitches.blog
sarahthinksbiancaishot.blog
biancawillneverbeyourgirlfriendcuzshesminemineMIIINNNEEEEoneoneoneoneone.blog (one in place of exclamation mark) (wtf.)
rathamskoldtan.blog
ilovebianca.blog
~~rarahatesbunny.blog~~
sarahhasalesbiancrushonbritneyspears.blog
~~britneyhatesbunny.blog~~
~~igivebetterblowjobsthanbunny.blog~~
sarahUHOHhotdog.blog

AND. rahasnoidea.blog. HAHA THANKS AH LOSER. :]

my boyfriend and girlfriend are weird people. post yours through comments! i want to know what you think. the wackier the better. :]

night babies!

never my intention to brag.

2008-03-11T02:23:00.000-07:00

who are we to turn to in this confusion,
this insanity created, our hell on earth?
i'm torn between your love and lies
what used to be and what it's worth

when it came down to the crunch
there wasn't much more i could take,
so just one mistake, just one we'd make
one word to break me.

you.

then you'd promise a forever you could never fufill
a darkness you never thought would;
exist in me did. and you were afraid, you ran
maybe just to show you could

broken like key hanging from a dead lock
no it wasn't what i pictured us to be, just;
so just one fornicating thrust, just one lingering touch
the trust we took for granted then.

done.

***

gods, look at her.

and oh, love
if i could have written him a song i would
but the wind had gone from my heart;
and i couldn't feel the sand between my toes anymore

darling, believe me
if i could have painted him the world i would
but the picture of me was not from my own palette
nor could he ever have been from mine.

then you, love;
you happened.

cos makin' love to you might drive me crazy.

2008-03-11T00:27:00.000-07:00

i'm sorry, but am i the only one who finds her cockiness intoxicatingly disgusting.

to tell the truth, it's more of a cross between wanting to laugh at her for actually publicising the fact that she thinks she's a misunderstood genius, and a gorgeous chick, an independent girl with the soul of a poet. excuse me for pointing out, she's none of the fucking above. it's just plain disturbing, how someone allegedly so deep and intelligent can be so incredibly disillusioned. it's like she's one of god's cruel little jokes.

and in case you were wondering, i'm not jealous or insecure. she just plain sickens me, and the rantings of her little lover boy does to serve no better either. all sickening and sweet, some rubbish about her being his venus, and she loves her mars and what not. (okayy here i'll admit that this is rather pretentious of me to state, seeing how i blog endlessly about how much i fking adore ad and whatnot, but SERIOUSLY. the extent to which they sprout poetic bullcrap thinking it's actually flattering.. retarded or.) i suppose they deserve each other. HAHAA.

since i'm nice, i won't post the ask for the link if you wanna know who i'm talking about, though i doubt anyone would care for the sentiments of a shallow and immature hooligan/gengsta/juvi such as myself.

HAHAHAA.

whatever okayy. the whole point of that short spanned rant is to express the emotions of gheyness overwhelming me after attempting to digest her omfgly disgusting regurgitation of big words. GO BURN IN HELL GO.

and to mah b,

I LOVE AND MISS YOU LUHH YOU CHILDISH LITTLE NUGGET. I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU, YOU IDIOT. HAPPY NOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.

:]

my boyfrienddddd. yes luhh, you're my one and only always and forever kayy love. i promise.

engagement party at the end of the year. MY MARS LEH.

muahahahahahhahahahahahahahaa.

SHO EK-SHAI-TING.

whatever lah sarah. kthxbye kaythxbai kthxb whatever shut up.

that fat gengsta' rat on a roof in bali, smokin' a joint.

2008-03-10T11:03:00.000-07:00

i'm so sorry i messed up. there's so much i had to say, i just didn't know how. i need to stop doing everything myself and share the reins with you. and no matter what i do, i know you're going to support me. if i'm ever driving blindfolded, you're the one i'm gonna trust to guide me. i really need to be more decisive, about napkins, cheese, anything. at the end of the day, i'm gonna rely on you. because nothing means more to me than you. nothing.

i love you.

when we get married, i want our rings to be engraved with the words NEVER TO FART. hur hur.

right.

a holiday.. our engagement.. maybe this time, i've finally found someone who wants to make our plans reality.

***

by the way, it's four and i'm still awake.

just read bestie's blog, and see that she's blogged about friends, examples of hers including me.

-smiles-

she reminds me, quite honestly, of what love really is. we both are human and we make mistakes. in more ways than one, we're closer than sisters. she knows me inside out, i think vice versa as well. or at least reasonably well. though we're not a couple, we do have our spats and arguements. cold wars and such. but we're apparently strong enough (surprised me too.) and have withstood the test of time, and i'm proud to have her as my friend.

i'm glad that crapstorm blew over, by the way.

speaking of bestfriends, i wonder how that monkey pearlyn wong is doing. maybe she has hair now. HAHAA.

bitch.

i miss nikki. i miss jolyn and bianca. i miss scandal and fel and jo.

CHEEBYESWHEREAREYOUUUUUUUUU.

ears to the wall.

2008-03-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

bianca and i started philosophizing about physics, and how it can relate to life. and we decided to conduct this little test, to see how alike we are in terms of thought trains. so go read her blog for her insight if you're interested, and trust me, you should be.

light, travels in a straight line. until it hits something.

then.. reflection. a change of direction. kind of like life. and how encounters and events, they bend you.

one's life would be very boring if it were uneventful. or more specifically, if we were not affected by the chain of events around us.

take defeat for instance, born out of an instant of insecurity. or pain, heightened by words promising worse. or love, sharpened by fear of losing something, or someone. how things like that mold us, make us who we are, what we've become over time.

if nothing changed me, i'd probably still act a lot like an infant, being spoon-fed with everything, i'd still want to be treated like a child, as will everybody else. no character, no individuality, no expression, no.. anything.

i'd be trapped in my bubble. probably blissful, not knowing what it is. ignorance, can i call it that? i could have all the money in the world, all the knowledge, but what would it mean to me? everything would lose it's beauty, it's brilliance, it's importance. not that i would know what it would be in like to have all that in the first place.

the experiences we have, we don't share completely. that's because everyone's journey, direction, is different. and all of it, the knots forming the intricate pattern of this grand design is terribly understated.

the way light travels will be in a straight line, till it hits something and is reflected in another direction, and then the action is repeated over and over. it has no end because like us, it doesn't die. our life, being entwined with another's makes it impossible for anything to end. from one source, it keeps moving, keeps hitting, keeps touching, keeps changing.

unless, of course, we're stuck in a blackhole. then nothing matters.

***

by the way i wanted to post this yesterday.

i wurve boyfwen a wot a wot. :]

some of them want to be abused.

2008-03-08T09:29:00.001-08:00

nothing worth having ever comes easy huh. it's proving to be true. and that's how i know where we stand. because we wouldn't hurt if we didn't care.

i guess it's a good thing we fight. in a sick, twisted way.

last night was the best night ever, and i'm ever so thankful i had those nightmares. if not for them, i think i probably wouldn't have realized how much i desperately need to be with you.

i love you adriel, with all my heart. i really do.

employed.

2008-03-04T07:28:00.000-08:00

yes i know. finally.

the sun's definitely coming up and i'm happy. really, really happy.

friendships are being forged, and the already existent ones are getting stronger. family bonds are strengthening as well, and things with boyfriend are more than amazing.

what more could a girl ask for? i'm happy. very happy. :]

***

i do realize i haven't been posting. actually. bestie first, then i realized she was right.

that's because i've had absolutely nothing to talk about.

but recently, it's begun to dawn on me that a lot of people say they want this and that, that they want something to change, but then they don't do anything and wait for the answers to fall from the fucking sky.

you'd think, after spending years as singaporeans, we'd know better by now. nothing comes free, and nothing worth having ever comes easy. why? because that's just the way things are.

it's like alchemy. it's not just about gold. it's about transmutation of all minerals. the one simple law was one of equivalent exchange. something traded for something of equal value.

i'd like to think life was as simple. wouldn't it be nice?

then instead of spending time worrying about answers we can't find and are not meant to understand, we'll get by doing what we need to in order to live. and then the rest of the time we have in the world, we spend simply. enjoying what we're meant to. life.

i'm tired. bye.

a million and you picked me.

2008-02-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

maybe god's as selective as anyone of us.

when a man has an imaginary friend, he's crazy. but when thousands share the same one, they call it religion. there's so much that doesn't make sense in this world. but since the answers are seemingly so full of irony, i would rather not know.

why?

because i don't want to be limited by definitions.

for now, at least, i want to enjoy life, love and beauty in the way i see fit. the way i picture it. flawless in it's imperfections, whole in spite of the careless cracks. let me indulge in my idyllic daydreams, a child in a flower field. for now.

then maybe, someday, i'll grow up.

so much for the street lights,
they've never led me home.
never led me to you
and i've never felt more alone in this,
this empty room.

what have you done?
so divine in it's sin
the taste of you lingers on my lips
and you,
you're the beat to my heart
torn apart and severed
it's in a box,
on it's way to you

the way you tug at my strings should be a crime.

fuckbuddies.

2008-02-27T21:51:00.001-08:00

it's a possiblility you know, that we may potentially be forced into someday. we'll talk, cuddle and kiss, but you'll be emotionally disconnected from me, cos of the lack of commitment on your end.

you're not ready for it, yes? hell, you even keep where you are at the moment a secret. off saving the world are you?

i wonder what you think of me now. and what you really want from me.

cos it seems like i sure as hell am not giving you what you desire.

compromised.

2008-02-27T21:17:00.000-08:00

i never knew i could be this driven in anything. it's something new.. and i have you to thank for that. still, when the feelings start to surface, there's not much i can do to make myself immune to it. it hurts. and you should know why.

baby, it's only because i care.. too much.

despair drowns, and then no more,
no more voices of reason
it seems.. too damn quiet.
reality dissolves in to a blur, a colourful, confusing blur
that serves no more than to numb our senses
that's when, my friend
your demons are shouting down your better angels

it's your party, and you, darling,
you choose what you bring to the table
it seems.. too damn surreal.
castles in the clouds build on their own, independent
no more a need for us to try
and that's when, my lover
they tear us down, they tear us down

because i am unbeautiful, and you know it.

i'm probably not smart enough but nevermind LAH.

2008-02-25T09:43:00.000-08:00

it's funny that i know of so many blogs that make sense, but a VAST MAJORITY of the ones on the best blog contest or whatever have no fucking substance.

i'm know what you're thinking. my boyfriend's running, and i'm being mean. BUT I'M NOT. i'm merely posting my views on a public forum because i feel like it.

-dramatic sighing

seems to me that the word simplicity has completely lost it's meaning in our contemporary society.

himbos and bimbos trying to entertain. unintelligent kids trying to sound otherwise. the shallow trying for the profound.

ohh examples? i'll be delighted to! maybe a quote then.

"Artsy people who think ahead of time?Go go down the drain, into the mud and into the soil. No one cares really, they love britney spears and xiaxue."

uhh sure.

quite honestly, i resent that. I LOVE BRITNEY. hell, she's got a fuck load of issues and i'll bet you that when she wakes up in the morning, she has more emotional strength in her during the first five minutes of her day than you'll have in a week. so just because I LOVE BRITNEY, i'm a blabbering, drooling idiot who, for the love of god, is oh-so-obviously below your standards?

and xiaxue, wendy, if it means anything to you, she's a member of MENSA. do you even know what that is. it's for the elite. the E-FUCKING-LITE you dumb cow.

ironically, i seem to dislike this particular blogger more than i do the hilarious antics of my fellow schoolmate who is apparently incapable of conveying his messages in standard english.

why? because at very least, despite his terrible language, his fans with the equal level of intelligence, his annoying array of unflattering pictures, and his unbearable cockiness, he does not try to sound smart.

while prissy missy MODEL:WRITER:ARTIST (first link on adriel's blog, by the way.) is so obviously trying to do so.

but that's just me and my worthless opinion. there are people whose judgments i do actually value that seem to hold her rantings of how people should be and how they should act, talk and feel in higher esteem than i do.

whatever happened to blogging for the heck of it, i'd like to know.

bottom line, if you're trying to lecture people on not being fakes and liars and actors, you damn well try not to make it so obvious you're doing it yourself.

it's so annoying.

or maybe i'm just a jealous cunt.

how deep is your love.

2008-02-25T07:24:00.000-08:00

cos we're livin' in a world of fools, breakin' us down,
when they all should let us be.. we belong to you and me.

but who gets to decide.

i think it's funny when people claim they're in love, but then end the relationship thinking the other party is unworthy of their affection. i think it's even more psychotic when outsiders tell A that B is not deserving.

really. who's to say?

doesn't the choice to be together, to stick it through with that certain someone already speak volumes? words, here, don't matter. cos it's not a thing of the mind, but of the heart.

bestie told me that she thinks it's impossible to understand how one can love someone regardless of everything that person does, cos there are always faults, and everyone makes mistakes. she says it only depends on the degree of the action, that if the situation were serious enough, won't the 'victim' stop loving?

hard to say. perhaps. if there was a victim. generally speaking, aren't we all? victims of ourselves, enslaved by our own passions. love isn't supposed to be calculating, is it now.

people make mistakes. sometimes, serious ones. maybe it's just me, but i wouldn't leave. it's only human to err after all. why would i choose to leave the person i love based on let's say, misplaced judgment, or an mistake made in the heat of the moment?

while the damage is nonetheless done, but nothing will change unless one allows it to.

some have attributed my stand to nobility. which i personally think is rubbish. there's no such thing as nobility in love. just like there's no nobility in walking away. i'm not saying all of this to make myself feel good and all righteous in the eyes of the lord. and when the time comes, if it does, i won't be forgiving for the sake of it, i won't be still telling my other half i love him because i think i should. i will because i do love him. i will because i don't want to lose the most beautiful thing that life's given to me because of a moment of weakness. so i won't.

we all are guilty of falling. the difference is if we have the determination to get back on track and the way we do.

so grab what you've got, and hold on, because in every relationship you can expect the ride of your life. when things get though, grit your teeth and hold your tongue, and keep in mind that things will only get worse before they get better.

and i'm holding on. holding on to you, adriel. first, i already know that something as special and rare as this won't come cheap or easy. and second, it won't knock twice.

you gotta know babe, that when i said you're the one, i meant it.

you remind me why i shouldn't make friends so easy.

2008-02-24T05:27:00.000-08:00

after last night, i genuinely thought you were nicer than you used to be. in fact, when you were there to hear and watch me cry, it made me feel like you sincerely cared. maybe you did. but i wouldn't know.

and today? you're turning me off faster than a light.

best three months and eight days of my life.

2008-02-23T09:56:00.000-08:00

as time goes by, one begins to questioning his or her significance in the world.

inevitable.

don't worry, this isn't going to be emo.

spending a lot of time with a person can cause rifts. ironic? believe it. fights, quarrels, screaming, tantrums, getting so emotional to the point of getting physical, you name it, ad and i have been through it all. yes, in a short span of three months and eight days, we've seen worse than some couples have after having been together for a year.

feelings overwhelm you, then you get sad and cry, wondering, "shouldn't i mean more to him than this?", or "doesn't he care anymore?", etc.

and then what?

the answer is simple. get over it. i still believe, as long as a person, even better, two, want something to work bad enough, it will. it will.

i know it sounds naive, and maybe a little foolish. call me sentimental, but maybe some of you will understand. it's because love is bigger than all of that.

cheesy, i know. but hear me out.

love. no buts, no ifs, no maybes. if you love someone, you do. it doesn't change. it never fades, and it never will.

adriel's been in love, bunny's been in love, evan's been in love. i know, because they still do. the same person they always have from the beginning. it just evolved into something else because it didn't work out between them. they still love each other.

and me? i don't even remember my first boyfriend's name.

i'm not boasting. i'm jealous. i never had someone i wanted to commit my whole life to, someone i was willing to die for, someone i was willing to let hurt me. i never knew what it was like being that selfless.

till now, that is.

yeahh go ahead and LAUGH, but i'm not kidding. scandal and i were on the phone and she knows how dead serious i am. actually, she told me. i never thought of things this way till she said,

"you're different. you've actually matured in a sense that all those other times you said "he's the one." didn't matter, and now you're finally serious about one guy it's obvious cos for the first time you're putting in what it takes to make it work."

she's right. it is the first time.

still, i'm not perfect. i hurt him too. all the time. and it really, really sucks balls.

if you wanted to draw up a list of reasons for every little spat, every fear, every insecurity, every moment of indifference and insensitivity, it would be an endless one. not just for my relationship, but also for every other couple in the world. but then why bother?

people change their minds, not their hearts.

i'd like to think that we'll be together forever, not just for the sake of being, but because we really do want to. because at the end of the day, it's all that really matters. as long as we love each other to try.

love. it doesn't recognize gender, race, differences or imperfections. it just is. if it's there, it's there. it's here. i just need to try a little harder.

we were never made to last. we're here temporarily, so transitory in nature. no wait, eternal beings, just not here. we weren't built to last. but we're building. it's ours. we're taking our time, making modifications to the blueprints, and fortifying the structure, then adding details exclusive to us. we're building.

adriel and i.. we don't always agree, and things get rough sometimes. but i love him. and he loves me, despite my faults and flaws. i don't love him because of his perfections and positive traits, or because he loves me.

i love him. because. because i do.

it's more than i deserve. it's more than enough.

bedroom unglamour.

2008-02-22T09:39:00.000-08:00

since i was SO bored. here's a tour of my desk. it's horrendously cluttered, but whatever.

because i need music to survive. fm comes in handy when my mp3's confiscated. don't laugh, my parents still do that to me.

my collection was collecting dust and it's tiring to clean em one by fucking one, so i decided to get one of these things. and then the collection over flowed, so i still have to clean a bloody majority one by one. tsk.
this is one of the stupidest presents anyone ever got me for christmas. sarah doesn't save, that's why. just goes to show that some people don't know me as well as they like to think they do. by the way, it's half full of five cent coins, so.
accessories are aplenty in my room. i've a DRAWVER full and i've still get to fill boxes with them. haa. ask nicolette, she should know.
those are separate, in case you were wondering. the flower with the face on it was given to me by janel in sec 3 and i completely forgot who gave me the other one. HAHAA. might have been a v-day present from some random person or other.
this is VERY VERY IMPORTANT. it does well to mask the smell of cigarettes coming from this.
HAHAA.
this is cute, but it's a total waste of space cos it's never on.
my dad gave this card to me yesterday and thought he was being very funny when he said "nah, i got job offer for you.". parents have no humor.
present from clinton and en. i have no bleeding idea why they got me this very redundant present but i remember having a kick out of telling people i live with god. and plus it's fucking funny when buddy christ's head wobbles like mad.

which concludes my very pointless post. BUT IT WAS FUN. tee hee.

train rides.

2008-02-22T07:24:00.000-08:00

as a frequent commuter, i think i've observed the behavior of others enough to have earned the right to say that people in singapore are fucking inconsiderate.

bear with me.

today was spent with baby at his place, nothing new. except he made me only the sweetest gift ever. it's got cigarette ash in it! okayy irrelevant.

napped then woke up, and then after eons of waiting for the boy to get ready, left the house then took a bus ride then a train with his hitman friend.

after they got off at outram, there were a lot a lot of old wrinkly people just STANDING there. this guy sitting directly in front of me pretended to sleep cos he didn't want to give his seat up. like WTF.

so anyway, i stood up for the wrinkliest person i could find, then walked over to the sleeping bastard and kicked him.

damn it felt good.

anyway, it made me think how people these days are so goddamned selfish.

50 YEARS DOWN THE ROAD YOU'LL SEE HOW IT FEELS, DAMN YOU.

i will LAUGH. because i believe in karma, so i will always have a seat and you won't. HAHA.

okayy bye.

friendster can go to hell.

2008-02-21T06:43:00.000-08:00

hell, is this liberating or what.

i'm sick of online politics. and stupid questions random people ask.

why you so little friends.
why he never feature you.
why your profile like so short like that.
why don't have you and your boyfriend pictures one.

and their stupid, stupid insensitivity.

hello. hi. uhh.

NO NEED TO FEATURE.
NO NEED TO ASK.
I'M NOT THERE.

god. it's not like i'm famous. i can live without it, and i will.

i'll add my own freaking friends when i feel like it so if you bloody noticed, you just proved yourself worthy of an invitation to my network.

i'm not after your fame and popularity. i said what i did without any ulterior motives so assume what you will, but you don't know what's going on so don't act like you do. i'm just sick of answering stupid questions. that's why.

*edit

i don't know why it's such a big deal. is deleting an online address book that incomprehensible? why shouldn't i, when i don't know a majority of them anyway. it's nothing personal, for fuck's sake.

i. just. don't. like. it. anymore.

god.

note-worthy.

2008-02-20T21:31:00.000-08:00

i never realized how boring my blog was till now.

read this. it's the "carrot revolution", about art education. it's pretty cool.

then, there are blogs which don't make sense at all. but are still really cool anyway. like "the post-it project", "found in pockets", and the "shoebox blog".

check em out if you got time. they're good for laughs.

lizz's blog is a waste of space. but you can go see if you want. i linked.

selective.

2008-02-20T14:58:00.000-08:00

i spoke to tiffany over msn yesterday, and my god, she hasn't changed a bit. she's pierced her eyebrow horizontally, which is pretty cute. no other major news except that ohh, she's on another continent now.

it kind of sucks that i've waited till now to realize that i miss her. i mean, we used to be best friends. i blame the switching of schools. haa.

well either way I REMEMBER YOUR BIRTHDAY tiff. it took me forever, but i promise to mail you a gift this year okayy! :]

all of a sudden, i miss the other bff i haven't spoken to in eons. nat, i hope you're doing great! o miss you a million red mnms, if it still means anything to you. i still have the bottle you brought back from las vegas for me you know. i miss our starbucks and plaza singapura days. relive them again sometime?

sigh.

sometimes i don't know why i bother. bother to keep people in my life when they fade in and out as they please. don't get me wrong.. i don't blame them.. it's just human.

bahh.

2008-02-20T09:20:00.000-08:00

i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you i love you.

i didn't cheat.

i anticipated this.

2008-02-20T08:50:00.000-08:00

know how people say you never know what you've got till it's gone?

it's not always true, you know. i knew i'd get like this.

i'm not okayy without you.

say it when you mean it.

2008-02-20T06:40:00.000-08:00

love is not about being noble. it's about giving all you've got.

if you feel bad? the solution is simple. go figure it out yourself.

there's no balance for love. it's not an equation, so there's no conclusion. if it happens, it happens. there's no compromise for the sake of compromise. why? because there's that fundamental desire to make the person you love happy.

isn't that reason enough?

don't question. there's no why, when, how, who, or what. just love back.

it's not as complicated as we humans make it look.

under mantainence.

2008-02-20T00:46:00.000-08:00

you wanted this. you're sick of me. so don't tell me how i should feel.

i'll be waiting. and i'll still love you. always. it doesn't matter whether you believe me or not, but i love you. i really really do.

i won't contact you. or i'll try my best anyway. it's hurting like i've just turned around and stabbed myself in the back. which is exactly what i just fucking did, didn't i. the irony.

a job well done, sarah. you're awesome. really.

sick.

2008-02-19T18:55:00.000-08:00

tells it all. i feel almost dead.

HAHAA no i'm kidding.

the frequency of my coughing has decreased. which makes me a very happy girl.

yesterday saw me watching lost at baby's place. episode after fucking episode. finally got through the first season and am into the second season. yessssssssssssss cos now it's available to me in dvd quality.

he went off to drink at night, at chips and this time, we parted ways at his place. something new, something i quite honestly don't particularly like. i'm being hypersensitive. shut up.

i feel incredibly sleepy all of a fucking sudden. must be the pills. gahh.

i want boyy. :(

dinner tonight dear?

burn city hall.

2008-02-18T08:21:00.000-08:00

the morning started off bad but it ended pretty sweet.

<3

BIANCA IS BEING GROUNDED FOR A YEAR AND THAT'S NOT FAIR BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND HER SISTER TOLD HER NO GIGS AND WHATEVER WHICH SUCKS COS IT'S WHAT MAKES HER HAPPY AND SO THEY ARE BAD PEOPLE WHICH THE WORLD SHOULD HATE.

parents should really just leave their kids the fuck alone sometimes. they're doing us more HARM than harm and that should have registered long ago.

anyways, evan says i talk about the same thing all the fucking time, so here's something new.

for the first time in my life since i was two years old, i BURPED by accident in the shower today. which is SERIOUSLY COOL.

okayy so i'm not abnormal. i just need to.. i don't know. stand the right way up, maybe. i'll go find my burping trigger and work it right, so next time i try chugging beer, i won't be afraid of feeling bloated after that. :]

ben drew an emo dog.

2008-02-17T08:27:00.001-08:00

memories of midnight. says:
yep almost everyday hahah
so how was ur day?
RaraRista says:
as boring as watching a washing machine
i swear to god, if i have to spend another full day in this asylum, i will vomit frogs.

that's evonne. and i'm serious. i cannot stand another day in this madhouse. it's incredibly stuffy.

i have to get out. i HAVE to get the fuck out.

HAHAA.

2008-02-17T00:45:00.000-08:00

i was so bored I DID THE DISHES.

chapter eight.

2008-02-16T08:33:00.000-08:00

joie was tired. very tired. she had been up painting all night, and before she knew it, it was four. her mind forgot the time, but apparently, her body remembered.

she went to the mini-bar and got herself a flute of champagne. i should take a break. she told herself as she made herself comfortable in the plush recliner. joie looked up at the ceiling, letting herself drown in the love ballad playing softly in the background.

when will you say yes to me?
tell me quando, quando, quando?
you mean happiness to me
oh my darling tell me when..

just a little while.. she thought to herself, as she sipped her little glass of indulgence. she set it on the table after a minute or two, and felt herself being dragged, unwillingly, to sleep.

all of a sudden, she was back in southern california. back in time, when she was 15, going on 16. she watched that little part of her history unfold in her mind. watched, as a third person.

joie watched, as the teenage girl walked, struggling with her heavy bag full of paints and brushes, in her hands a canvas. she watched her face, the features so familiar, yet seemed to her like they belonged to a stranger. the girl pushed the her brown hair away from her eyes. and then joie knew, what she was about to witness what she herself did, many, many years ago.

***

the grass was dry, and it scratched her ankles, irritating her pale skin as she trekked through the field in between her home and the bus stop. she felt dehydrated, her eyes hurt and frankly, she was too exhausted to care.

finally, she managed to get her aching body off the grass and into the comforting shelter of the patio. she dug her hand deep into the innermost compartment of her bag and found them. she fumbled with the keys clumsily for a few seconds, then stuck the one with the mickey mouse head into the keyhole and jingled it the way she was so used to, so the key wouldn't get stuck.

she took of her shoes and at the same time looked for signs of the others' shoes. jem and jules weren't home, but they had a guest. she looked up, standing at the doorway and called out softly, like a frightened child in the dark.

mama..? are you home?

no reply. the silence wasn't welcome, like any other day. something felt wrong today. very wrong. as she walked in, she heard the sound of her mother's sobbing. another fight.. joie thought dolefuly. it was almost a routine.

the voices were getting louder. the yells from her father, and the pleading from her mother.

where's the guest? joie was confused. she didn't see anyone else downstairs. strange. something was wrong.. very wrong.

today. it's today.

she tiptoed up the stairs, and one of them creaked. she stopped on that one, bent over slowly and lifted the stair. the loose board came loose easily and she inspected the gap but couldn't find what she was looking for. joie could have sworn she could feel her heart beating in her throat. she was scared stiff. then she heard it.

a gunshot. clear, piercing and resonating. and then.. nothing.

she raced up the remaining steps, her ears ringing. her hand reached into her bag and pulled it out just as the door of her parents' bedroom swung open. she saw her mother beside a man. both were naked, and dead. their attacker's head jerked in surprise and joie aimed the pepper-spray in his eyes.

as he screamed, he dropped his weapon. the gun from under the creaky stair. she seized it, aimed, and squeezed the trigger.

the impact from the gun was bigger than she was prepared for, and it threw her off balance. she fell to the floor, next to the man she just shot. it was her father.

joie was shaken, but she didn't feel anything much more. i'm supposed to be shocked and scared. i just killed my father. i'm supposed to cry. she couldn't find an ounce of remorse in her heart, and the tears just never came.

she ran downstairs and made the call. she gave them her address and her name. the police arrived within minutes. she gave her account of what happened, and then made arrangements for her sisters and herself to move to their aunt's place temporarily.

the police spoke to aunt lillian when she came over, and she overheard bits and pieces of it. an affair.. committed a crime of passion.. open and shut case.. things like that.

and that was it. there statements taken, papers filed. no one to convict. the evidence was intact. everything fell into place, like pieces of a puzzle.

joie was.. pleased. and why shouldn't she be? everything went according to plan.

she hid a secret smile as aunt lillian hustled her sisters into the car, which then slid out of the driveway.

she never wanted to go back. ever.

***

her parents' funerals were grand affairs, of course, given their social standing. even some senior minister took the time off to drop by and offer his condolences, shake a few hands. everyone was there. except for joie. the very same afternoon of the funeral, she flew off to new york, armed with a piece of paper certifying that she had a place in the top university of arts, and with a steely resolve never to go home.

***

joie slept through to the next morning, and awoke to the sound of her kettle whistling. she got up to investigate, and was pleasantly surprised to see jonas over at her apartment, whipping up breakfast.

they exchanged smiles and after a kiss on her forehead, he insisted she get back to bed till breakfast was ready. she went to her room, but not to bed. instead, she looked out of her bedroom window, a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips.

isn't it a beautiful morning mama? don't you wish you were alive to see it? i painted it for you once upon a time.. but it was never good enough.

no. her smile faded and her green eyes burned. it was never good enough.

everyday's a valentines with you.

2008-02-16T07:42:00.000-08:00

todayy was purfect. baby thinks it's because we were watching lost.

I THINK SOOOOOO.

no lah. it's cos we're in love and today just so happened to be one of them good days. :]

and ohh by the way. this was on uhh.. monday, i thinkkkk.

lian, bunny, fox, josh, random person's head, me, adriel, evonne and her boyfr (i'm sorry. i forgot his name.)

valentines and the third month.

2008-02-14T11:07:00.000-08:00

valentines today was different from all the rest. i liked it. :]

i like cuddling in bed and watching lost and scrubs. i like laughing out loud with you. i like being engulfed in your smell. i like stretching out on your bed in your room which is practically my second home.

it's wonderful.

i've never felt this way about any boy before.. and as you know (if you'd know.), it scares me.

what's love? i don't quite know. but it's a frightening notion, or used to be. to be fair, it's enjoyable as well, i suppose.

it's one of the biggest ironies. it's this and that. not quite, but very much so. it doesn't make sense, but it's simplicity itself. my body says it's a lie i don't get, my mind says i'll never understand it, and my heart tells me i'm not meant to.

please forgive me for the day before. i was.. terrible. maybe that's why it gets diffucult and tiring sometimes. maybe i'm trying too hard, maybe i'm getting my hopes up too high. love isn't like that, is it?

love is not about me, or you. it's about an us.
it's not about making me feel good about me, or making me feel wanted and needed and appreciated. it's about us loving each other for who the both of us really are.
love isn't about being noble, but it's being supportive.
love isn't about where or when you show it, but it's about how you feel regardless or time and place, and letting the other person know.
love is not about burying insecurities and fears, it's about facing them together.
love isn't about the good times and bad times, it's about cherishing every single second.

but as always, easier said than done. maybe i can't give you the best and what you want, but i'll be giving you the best of what i have because you deserve nothing less from me my darling.

"maybe not like i dreamed.. maybe not like you remember. but we could do more than just get by."

so when i asked, why didn't you say yes?

ohh great. cherry on top of the cake.

2008-02-13T09:52:00.000-08:00

so i'm officially fucked. adriel, josh and i are out of a fucking job because i'm irrefuckingsponsible and didn't confirm with the guy.

i'm sorry.

today was horrendous. but the sun will still shine tomorrow. <3

happy valentines is today.
will you be my valentine?

scream noooooooooooooooo like i just killed your cat.

2008-02-12T09:46:00.000-08:00

it's incredible how stupid a majority of the population has become. just look at this generation.

click here to see just how stupid i'm talking about.

see. i wasn't kidding.

the guy right at the top is disgusting. he reviewed HIMSELF. like baby keeps telling me, and he was all mortified when he realized that the fuckhead was not only in RP but in the same motherfucking course as he is. MUAHAHAHAHAHAA.

it's called karma lah. TALK SOME MORE LUHH. hur hur.

eeeeeeeeee. out drinking. again. i can't wait for a beer belly to appear so i can poke it and make fun of you. =D

loves. <3

i will give her wings made of words.

2008-02-12T07:29:00.000-08:00

picture cruelty, pain. what do you see?

watch the movie, black.

it hurts most when you lose what you've taken for granted. or even worse, born without the gifts others have. what would it like to be so.. deprived. i wouldn't know, and neither would you.

to be destines to thorns, not flowers.. one would have to learn to deal with it. but it would be scary when something changed, wouldn't it? to be subjected to something so frightening every once in awhile. i know i wouldn't have the emotional strength to deal with it. i'd wish to die the minute i knew no one else was like me.

and then picture the teacher. being the one, the first to bring light into a blind child's world, to have your deaf student call you her teacher for the first time.. wouldn't that be amazing?

to think of how we complain of the weather, the long bus journeys, the way our ass aches when we sit too long.

when your own eyes are of no use in a world as dark, there will eventually be someone willing to let you see the world through theirs.

i've found the most beautiful eyes. the only ones i'll ever need. and i realize now, that maybe i've become a bit too dependent, and i might be asking too much.

and as i've always said, my heart in a box has been given to you. do with it as you will.. but i love you, and i always will.

and that was the first day i lived with fear.. how would i live if you ever forgot me?

now you know, just how much i hate you.

2008-02-11T08:49:00.000-08:00

i hope you will die a random, slow, painful death. and that you feel like the agony goes on forever, and wished you were already dead.

i hope you feel the life draining from your body and you know that, yes the devil is bleeding you dry.

i hope i'm the last thing, or person rather, who crosses your mind. because although you don't know it, or don't care, you've done me so wrong.

i hope your mangled body will burn in fucking hell forever and ever and ever amen.

and then i hope i'll be happy when i see your twisted corpse, pale face and distorted features looking anything but peaceful.

ohh i'll wait. in the mean time, i'll giggle to myself when i think of every possible scenario of your demise.

i'll wait to see the day you lose everything.

then maybe you'll know what it feels like.

i'll wait.

oh-so-patiently.

if you get there before i do.

2008-02-10T08:36:00.000-08:00

don't give up on me.

i miss you darling.

so much it feels like my chest is going to burst.

today was nice. same old routine, with a fresher wave of feelings.

love,
me.

boys.

2008-02-08T09:39:00.000-08:00

i can't get to sleep. i was talking to bestie on the phone.

she's upset. very. i'm sorry that i haven't always been there for her the way she was for me before the whole fucked up shebang.

i'm sorry nikki.

anyway, guys really are capable of being such pricks. nikki and i have dated a lot of them, and all my friends added together, we've probably dated a pretty significant fraction of the male population. but still we have to admit, they do have their moments.

just when i thought i've seen the worst and decided that i don't need men to survive.. you stepped into my life. and all of a sudden everything i've built, all my defenses and my walls of protection were rendered useless. i was stripped of everything, disarmed and left vulnerable. it was hard to comprehend at first. for once, i realized, i didn't have the upper hand.

feeling totally lost, i stepped into a relationship quickly. maybe too quickly, if the words of others were anything to go by. but didn't they understand? it was a chance i had to take.

something about him was.. different. no, a better word, special. this was going to be amazing, i thought to myself the day he asked me. oh god, i didn't know just how.

evan and felly asked me early in our relationship, "ra, is he the one?" yes. i nodded. they've heard it before, i don't know how many times, but they snickered. i don't blame them. but i meant it when i said the word. yes. yes, he's the one, scandal.

two and a half months later, i'm still sure i made the right choice. this is the man i'm going to marry.

things didn't run smoothly for long. and people were starting to question just how long a relationship built on a friendship forged only four days before would last. friends would urge me, out of concern, to take care of myself. to rebuild those defenses would only be in best interest, someone said. leave him before your feelings get in the way and trip you, another proposed.

they spoke out of concern, but it would make me aggressive in my defense. and i managed to end up offending people sometimes. i felt terrible about myself. and i still do.

i don't deserve such loving friends, or the best boyfriend i've ever had.

this boy has weakened me. not in a bad way, and in some, it may be the best thing that's ever happened to me. i've been humbled, brought down to earth from my pretty throne in the castle i've built for myself in the sky.

this is different. he's different. adriel's not a jacky, not a leon, not a clarence. he's adriel. and i love him for it.

i know. who would've thought right. well fuck you and you and you.

people will doubt, and tongues will wag. but i can't help that can i. i just hope he knows how i really feel and how far i will go. words just are, as love just is. but actions.. that's different. i won't tell you bout love, i'll show you.

and to you:
what's in the past will stay there for me.
you're different though. it's hard, and i understand.
burdens are heavy things to carry,
and though you won't let me share the load,
i'll be here to at least hold your hand and let you know you're not alone.
you're too good for me, and i don't deserve you.
but now that you're here,
i'll do everything i can to make you want to stay.
and i never dreamed that i would have someone i could love this way.
and now i have, you make me think i've never loved before.
you say you take and demand,
but you forget to remember that you've also given me so much.
maybe you didn't know.
well now you do. you taught me to love.

yey peektures :]

2008-02-07T02:28:00.001-08:00

this is from yesterday's dinner, courtesy of stacy's $500 digital camera.

ellyn acting cute.

it's called simple pleasure assholes.

their table, our table, and all the shit we ate.

us. :]

those horrible adults, depriving me of my beauty sleep that i desperately need. to GAMBLE. i'm just watching, don't worry.

and of course, how could i leave without getting this taken?

ohh please say my hair looks pretty. if it's not, BUNNY DID IT. muahahahahahahahahahaa.

sorry.

i like it like that.

2008-02-07T01:24:00.000-08:00

so nothing much's been going on.

i haven't seen boy in two days and i've got withdrawal symptoms.

ohh and i got my hair dyed on tuesday. bleached, rather. it looks nice, i guess. it matches baby. <3

just got cigarettes after hours of cravings. yey.

and kit FINALLY brought back a girl today for lunch at grandma's house. his friend, vanessa, who seems very nice, and is ultra sweet to me. i like her. she's pretty in a way and apparently she smokes too, which is going to be a plus when we hang out. which i guess will be soon, if she remembers.

nothing else has been happening, really. hopefully i'll be able to put a stop to my misery of being without baby later, if it's not too late. i miss him tons. he'll be at pasir ris in a couple of minutes, and i'll be at tana merah in an hour. i wanna have dinner and go out with him, even if it's just for awhile.

love, you make it so easy to say yes.

hello go fuck your disgustingly turn off self.

2008-02-05T09:18:00.000-08:00

hello all. i need to rant. i'm pissed at the world, and i've had it up to here with your bullshit, asswipes. when will you fucking stop?

humans are so fucking superficial. all of them and all of us, you and i. yes. EVERYONE. but so what. everybody does it, so it must be okay? fuck that. i get sick of it, you get sick of it, so why does it continue?

people are classified nowadays. according to the clothes she wears, the language he uses, the colour of her hair, the size of his beer belly, the length of her nails, the words he chooses, the music she listens to, the colour of his motherfucking skin. everything about everyone is wrong wrong wrong. yes, and only you are right, is that it? the only group of people who are the acceptable in YOUR eyes are people with the same interests, those who share the same favorite big word, the people who actually do give a fuck about what you think not because they genuinely care, but only because they're just about as self righteous as YOU.

there was once, not too long ago, when i realized for a fact that people only bother to look skin deep. they would even go as far as to say that i can't be smart and witty because i don't fucking LOOK like it.

they were having a conversation about religion. when they asked me what i thought, i responded by simply saying that yes, although i do believe in a higher being, but my idea of god is nothing close to what any of the religions i've looked into can offer. a fellow participant of this supposedly intellectual discussion whips his head around so fast, i could have sworn i heard it pop with his eagerness to say "wahh quite deep for someone who's not supposed to think ah!"

me being me, i was naturally emotionally wounded, but hid it. i said to that, "what makes you think that?". the motherfucker actually replied "i thought pretty girls supposed to come out bimbo things one, no meh?"

to which i said, completely ignoring his compliment, dripping with sarcasm, "you must think you're one smoking hot fuck, then."

he didn't get it.

so. such is the irony of of our contemporary society. it astounds me, really. actually, it's plain amazing that people still bother ti draw the lines and define what's right,w hat's acceptable and what's not. no one gives a flying fuck anymore. no one. what sense does any of these rules and guidelines make? what difference does it make?

don't tell me that's the way it goes. don't tell me that's how it goes. because i already know. i'm a victim of it. we all are. a vicious cycle, i chew on your shit and you shew on mine. crude, isn't it? but that's how we are. it's all we are. i know it. my point is that it's annoyingly unfair.

don't you think, it's unsettling that people want us all to be the same? want us all to behave, eat, talk, dress and feel a certain way at a certain time? everybody would be oh-so-proper and nice. no crime, no drunks, no druggies, no smokers and all. no wife-beaters, no abusive parents, no rapists, no murderers, no arsonists. everyone would be good friends, sweet neighbors, perfect children, loving parents, lovable grandparents and so on.

i can just hear you now. but that's not fair! we might as well be robots then!

here it is. the world is never fair. circumstances rarely are. but one way or another, it's still expected of us. the people that supposedly upholds justice and humanity, we are the ones who go to such extremes to prove that there is a right and a wrong, and which is which. we are the ones who draw the fucking line. why do we even do that? is the modern world so devoid of emotions and morals that we have to be told what to do? why should we force our individual opinions on others? is it because they are incapable of knowing for themselves that oh it's bad to do that.

mark says yes. yes we do.

but nature always takes it's course, and things always turn out the way they're supposed to. we being told what to do, how, where, and when.. the law, is just another from of fucking worship. authority, power... just greed. they do not earn their respect. no. do they take it? buy it? or rather, the irony is in the fact that they are 'having' something which isn't existent.

respect in it's purity has been long lost.it's all feigned now.. cold handshakes over power lunches, fake smiles which match their dead eyes.. souless bastards. people are deluded, thinking they are giving respect to the person when they're really not, but to what he stands for, to his front. they are not bowing to the man, but to the lies that make him.

a doctor buys his certificate online. people respect him. why? because he owns a private clinic. because he has a lovely wife and four children. because he drives a porsche, a merc and a bentley. because he has a front lawn of perfectly aligned blades of fake grass, all bent the same way in the same angle. because he has his own private parking space. because he's been to dinner with the president!

but he's womanizing. he abuses his two daughters sexually. he drinks excessively and has killed two men in indonesia during separate incidents of driving under the intoxication of liquor. he administers drugs and jabs to people he's not supposed to. also, he could kill any patient who genuinely needs his help, if he gives the wrong prescription or the wrong dosage.

because he looks the way he does. because he looks decent. because he looks respectable.

everything's taken at face value now. our interpretations are never accurate anymore, only because we've been contaminated, blinded by the culture of our present society. call it what you will, popular behavior, majority wins. i call it propaganda.

it doesn't change anything. ever. nothing will come out of nothing. sometimes, nothing comes out of something either. doesn't make sense? it's not supposed to.

apparently, the law of equivalent trade doesn't apply here on earth.

don't you miss the old days, even though you've never lived them? it's impractical to check everyone out, but in those times, there was no need to. people did what they had to to get by. unglamorous jobs even, no one hid in their gold plated toilets scheming and plotting, taking hard-earned money from taxpayers who give more than there is a need to collect.

cops were the cops, gangsters were the gangsters. it was easy then. brutal, but easy to understand. no one needed to speculate and be suspicious cos everyone already knew who was who. it simply wasn't done.

but now. things are.. different. people lie, people front, people act. so much so that it becomes the norm. they pretend to be who hey are, they judge for who they think we are, they tie up all the loose ends, don't they.

but then. maybe some thing's in life are mean to be left alone. maybe we should just all be happy being who we are, being who we want to, and shut the fuck up about everybody else.

little sarah and her dream.

2008-02-03T09:24:00.000-08:00

ever since britney's first album came out, i've been in love with her. and here's why.

because when i heard this particular song, it made me hope one day that i'd be able to find the right person to say the words to. and now that i've found him, i will.

they say in this world, nothing lasts forever
but i don't believe that's true
cos the way when i feel when we're together
i know that's the way, i'll always feel for you

from now, until forever
that's how long i'll be true
i will make you this vow
and promise you now, until forever
i'll never stop loving you

there'll come a day, when the world stops turning
and stars will fall from the sky
but this feeling will last till the sun stops burning
cos all i wanna do is love you, till the end of time

it's gonna take more than a lifetime
to give you all the love, i feel for you tonight

oh god, just when i was going to give up ever finding that special someone, you happened, the best thing that ever did to me. and that's what makes it oh-so-beautiful. the randomness of it all. the way we clicked and everthing.

you're special, adriel.

and i love you, because you give new meaning to everything i've ever known.

it's not LEAKING. it's simply OVERFLOWING.

2008-02-03T06:39:00.000-08:00

i think it's already come to a point when i realize it doesn't matter what other people think of me and how they look at us. i don't care what they say about me or you or us, as you put it.

what matters to me is how YOU see me, what YOU see in me, who YOU think i am, what YOU think we are.

and it's always nice to know you're thinking about us. or actually, just me. :D

see, a girl loves being shown off every once in awhile. i think. or maybe it's just me. but i think it's sweet cos then you'd think i'm worth showing off to your friends.

mmmmmm. :]

rock and roll, baby, don't cha' know
we're all alone now, give me somethin' to sing about

please forgive me. i'm currently addicted to paramore cos it's the sex. yey.

everytime i'm alone and the alter ego fades away, i realize how much i miss you.

2008-02-03T00:53:00.000-08:00

it's a fact that everyone needs to be reassured every once in a while.

and so, now whenever i feel sad or discouraged, i'll remember what you said this morning, and remind myself that i'm loved and how much.

they taped over your mouth
scribbled out the truth with their lies
your little spies

ps: i love boyy.

saturdays.

2008-02-01T19:11:00.000-08:00

todayy was sweet. nothing too fancy. just snoozing at home.

taking the train back was fun. :]

you're not replying me now though.. suppose you're busy having fun. hahaa.

recently, i haven't been posting much, even though i haven't taken a break from writing. i wish you know, how everything you say and do, or don't, affects me in ways you have no idea of.

i love you adriel. a lot.

and from the bottom of my heart.

2008-01-31T21:26:00.000-08:00

in some instances, things don't have to end for one to know that a certain someone can make or break you. i'm not waiting till you're gone to let you know how much i need you baby.

more than you'll ever know.

right here, right now. every second counts with you, and i'm sorry i'm not there when you need me.

if i ain't got you.

2008-01-31T18:51:00.000-08:00

some people want it all
but i don't want nothing at all
if ain't you baby
if i ain't got you baby
some people want diamond rings
some just want everything
but everything means nothing
if i ain't got you
if i ain't got you with me baby
nothing in this whole world
don't mean a thing
if i ain't got you with me baby

lil miss asswipe.

2008-01-31T17:12:00.000-08:00

LET'S PLAY SPOT THE DIFFERENCE :]

it's sickening how some people can be so conceited and so full of themselves and their capabilities. to the extent of daring to claim credit for work they haven't done.

"cher i don't know ah.. i try my best already."

come the fuck on. you did ONE FUCKING SLIDE.

today was exemplary. the awesome part is that when instances such as these are spotted and critiqued, this certain someone still has the fucking audacity to deny it and pretend nothing happened.

this is what has become of the world. in such a competitive society such as the one we have here, bitches climb and step over our heads to what they think it's the top. pathetic. like i said, it's sad, really.

not to mention annoying. annoying as FUCK. really. i swear to god, there's almost nothing worse.

rabitah just said she has BAD BREATH too. HAHAHAHAA. and that she SPITS.

anyway, back to the topic. it's infuckingcredible how disgusting people like *ahem are. taking advantage of other people's soft side. like *ahem took advantage of poor joanne yesterday. the sweet girl did the whole ppt and said, "everybody just take one slide okay? we only got five." and miss boss did the last two, leaving the darling nothing to say.

and then? during the round of question? she didn't know shit, and therefore came up with a fucking zilch to help. after moi came up with the answers to one of the questions during our discussion, she claimed credit for it.

how.. words fail me. now you know how bad she is.

it comes to a point now that the whole class has a common enemy. why she chose to be part of my team, filled with her most ardent "fans", i do not know. i would attribute it to her 2-inch-thick skin, but then the approximation may be off. maybe, she in defuckingnial.

like another person i know.

sighs.

***

by the way, it was funny how laura, sandhya and i amused ourselves bitching about her yesterday. shame it's the last fucking day of school now. :(

***

and i miss boy. <3 ice-cream and movies later darling.

can't wait.

roadkill along route 66

2008-01-31T06:23:00.000-08:00

i love baby. i really do.

today was a torture. the faci was being sucha bitchhhhhhhhhh. made me so angry.

i wanted to LEAVE. schmuck.

but i was good. i STAYED. even when like three quarters of the class was gone. actually more than that.

pizza tomorrow. uhm. yay?

i don't even feel like going. i wanna go see baby and die at his house cos that means seeing him and being with him till my last moment and that's exactly how i wanna die. blissful.

yes i know. morbid.

and to you, my delightful lil china man
you're incredible, you really are.
in every sense of the word.
sweet, charming, loving, intelligent, sensitive.
OHH YOU HAVE YOUR MOMENTS.
but you gotta know, sweetheart,
i still thank god for you every night.
just before thanking god that you're not a dream after all.
<3

if a picture paints a thousand words.

2008-01-30T19:53:00.001-08:00

then why can't i paint you?

black rum sugarcane

2008-01-30T19:06:00.000-08:00

caffeine doesn't help. i feel like death.

i wanna watch sweeny todd. with you.

***

my group is fascinating.

L**** is a blonde who loves telling about her social slash nightlife.
K****** is a himbo who cares more about his hair and teeth than school and his attendance.
L***** thinks his mop of hair tastes awesome, apparently.
J*** is a know it all stuck up bitch who takes credit for everything.

and my parents wonder why i hate school.

but to my class' credit, not all of them are mean. and not all of them are losers. and not all of them speak bad english.

it's like one of those intersecting graphs. my class is the universal set, some in the himbo/bimbo group, some in the lian/beng group, some in the irritants group, some in the asswipes group, some in the cool group, some in the loser group, some in between.

i'm the one outside the circles. in other words, in and out at the same time.

more than you'll ever know.

2008-01-30T08:02:00.000-08:00

i would have replied yes, i do, but the second message that came send me signals that were going off like sirens. voices that told me you doubted me.

it's wasn't a difficult question at all. i wish you didn't assume because i didn't reply immediately. i'm sorry it came out mean, but i would think that after all these days that have gone by, and all the effort i've put in all along wouldn't go unnoticed. i was just.. disappointed, really. in myself more than anything, cos i felt like a failure.

i'm sorry my love. i should have said yes, yes, yes i do. because that's really how i feel. i mean it from the bottom of my heart. not just yesterday or today, but every single time i say it.

those three words, i've said too much. but not enough.

maybe my words have lost it's impact due to the overusage of them, but it's only because i take every opportunity to say it not out of obligation, but out of overwhelming emotions. i need you to know. i hope you'd know.

i'll turn it around now and ask you your question, without saying anything more.

adriel, do you love me?

random pictures.

2008-01-29T20:51:00.000-08:00

evan.

eyes wide fucking open.

where it starts, love.

love clips.

bad day shoot.

half of sheri.

then. and now.

sweecheng, siantar, ains, uncle sean, auntie sharon, dan, luki
lengleng, shuhui, jordan, jen, rachel, mark, mel, stacy.

ass.

i turn my camera on.

grandma, sheri.

don't believe everything you see now.

innocence never lasts very long.

don't blink.

before momo's.

hahaa kerner had to wait.

double cheeseburger and green tea days.

i decided to add colour to the blog. kayy i have nothing better to do in class that's all. only S of the JEFS is left in school, i think. hahaa.

i miss boy.
i love boy.

i love you adriel arista tham. <3

we're counting backwards, falling forwards.

2008-01-29T19:36:00.000-08:00

she said she's right here
she seems so distant.

i'm damn fucking tired, and i don't feel like being here in school.

plus plus plus. the person i'm here to see isn't here. woohoo big surprise.

you watched a series of unfortunate events without me.

DAMN BAD LAHH.

we were supposed to watch it together. :(